Those are the first words that came to mind when my partner told me that she was pregnant.
It can take a while just to deal with the immediate feelings — shock, fear, worry, and amazement. But eventually, you’ll have to deal with the question, “Now what?”
If you’re lucky, you and your partner have already discussed this very situation. But most partners have never discussed how they’ll handle an unplanned pregnancy, and those that have may be forced to deal with it in reality, not just, “what if . . .?”
The options? Parenting. Adoption. Abortion. But there is so much to think about with each of these choices.
Parenting is not an easy thing, even for people who plan a pregnancy. It’s 24/7 — not just through infancy, but forever. Parenting is a huge responsibility, but it can also be one of life’s most rewarding experiences. Teen parents often have more stress and difficulty than older parents because they have fewer resources.
Adoption involves continuing pregnancy, giving birth, and then legally placing the baby with another family to raise.
Abortion is a medical or surgical procedure that ends a pregnancy. There are several methods of abortion — what kind of abortion a woman can choose may depend on how long she has been pregnant. Abortions performed earlier in pregnancy are generally less complicated that those performed later. Abortion is safe and legal in every state.
More than half of the teenagers who choose abortion talk about it with at least one parent. But telling a parent is required in states that have mandatory parental involvement laws.
After considering the choices, your partner may choose abortion. Where does that leave you? Many women who decide to have an abortion ask their partners to go with them for support. But a woman doesn’t have to tell her partner that she is going to have an abortion.
This may seem unfair to some guys. Although it takes both a guy and a girl for a pregnancy to happen, it is the woman’s choice in deciding what to do. And if she chooses abortion, it’s normal for a guy to have his own feelings about it — whether he agrees with his partner’s decision or not. That’s why it’s very important for all guys who have sex with women to understand that women get to make the decision about whether or not to have a child because it is their bodies, hearts, minds, and futures that are most affected by the choice.
Some guys feel disappointed or a sense of loss and others may feel relieved. Often people feel a combination of these feelings. Whatever feelings a guy has, he may want to consider talking to someone, like a parent, counselor, or another trusted adult about these feelings — they are important.
When a guy’s partner chooses to have an abortion, the guy can either be nonsupportive partner or compassionate partner. One is definitely cooler than the other.
The nonsupportive partner is the guy who rejects any responsibility for the pregnancy. He may stop speaking with her or refuse to help her pay for the abortion procedure. She got into this situation with his help, but he won’t help her. Maybe he offers some money to help pay for the procedure, but doesn’t offer any emotional support. Sometimes the nonsupportive partner is anti-choice and refuse to be involved with the abortion. He may even try to stop his partner from having an abortion.
The compassionate partner supports his girlfriend in her choices about an unintended pregnancy, including the choice to have an abortion, even if he doesn’t agree with her choice. Although he may share his feelings about abortion with his partner, he respects and accepts her decision, too. In whatever way he can, he tries to help pay for the abortion. He may attend medical appointments with her, participating however he can. And he helps his partner get her life back to normal after the abortion.
While it may seem unfair to a guy whose girlfriend is pregnant that his partner is able to have an abortion without his approval, ultimately this is a woman’s decision. Although he may disagree with her choice the compassionate partner knows that his partner is the one who is pregnant.
Randy, a 17-year-old senior, says, “I know that my girlfriend’s decision to have an abortion was tough. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for her. The best I could do was to be there for her.” Randy was a compassionate partner. He realized that, despite the fact that the final decision was ultimately his partner’s, he did have a choice about how he was going to be a part of the process. And he chose well.
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