By Shauna
I didn’t lose my virginity — I know exactly where I left it.
It was three days past my 18th birthday with my boyfriend, Curtis, who was also a virgin. We were in love — in crazy, desperate, earthshaking love, and we wanted our first time to be special.
Everything was perfect: He was a wonderful, caring, decent man. I knew I didn’t have to worry about him running back to his buddies to brag about his “score.” We were in my own bed, we used protection, we were “old enough,” and we were relaxed and happy.
I remember the romantic way I had envisioned it happening — it would feel wonderful and I was supposed to feel wonderful afterwards — mature and fulfilled.
I now refer to that idea as “The Big Lie.”
I’m not saying it can’t be that way, I’m just saying that soap operas and romance novels don’t exactly paint an accurate picture of losing your virginity.
Here’s the truth:
It’s awkward.
It’s confusing.
It can hurt.
And for most women, having an orgasm is very unlikely.
Worse yet, I was completely unprepared for how emotionally lost I would feel afterward.
Instead of feeling like I’d crossed some sacred threshold into true womanhood, I felt like I’d just slammed the door on ever being a little girl again. I was 18 — an adult by legal standards — and yet there was still a little girl inside of me who wasn’t quite ready to let go of who she was. I felt as if I’d given away a part of me that I could never get back.
I think I assumed too much. I thought that since my partner loved me a great deal and we’d given the event so much forethought, I would be left with a rosy “afterglow” instead of the emptiness I felt.
Simply because I was 18 — older and more emotionally mature than many are when they lose their virginity — I was strong enough and resilient enough to get through it. My partner and I already had a strong relationship, so I talked to him about the feelings I was having. We worked though them together and had a loving relationship for two more years before we finally went our separate ways.
I don’t think it would have been any easier for me if I’d waited longer, but I’m grateful that I waited as long as I did — and that I chose the right boy. It helped me to deal with the unexpected feelings that came up.
Although I think we’d all like sex to be spontaneous, I’ve learned that it requires a great deal of thought and planning — for adults and teens alike. And that involves several things: choosing a partner, making sure you have and use protection against pregnancy and infection, keeping realistic expectations of the experience, and waiting until you know that you can handle the feelings that may come up afterward.
In the end, I have no regrets about how or with whom it happened. But I always feel so sad for the girl or boy who has a first sexual experience too early and may be unable to cope with feelings that might have been much easier to handle later on.