Ok, take a deep breath and say it with me: “Oral sex.”
Easy stuff? Well, when my seventh-grade health teacher made me say it out loud in front of the whole class, I was pretty embarrassed (although not as embarrassed as the boy behind me who turned 15 shades of red when he was asked to say, “Menstruation.”)
But ever since the whole Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky thing, oral sex has been on everyone’s lips (excuse the pun). The Clinton scandal raised a bunch of issues: Is oral sex considered “sex”? If you have oral sex, but “don’t go all the way” (have vaginal intercourse), are you still a virgin? And is oral sex safe — or can it pass infection? (More on that later . . .)
According to some recent studies, most teenagers define “sex” as vaginal intercourse — they don’t consider oral sex to be “sex.” This isn’t surprising, since that’s how our culture has traditionally defined sex (which, incidentally, leaves out gays and lesbians altogether). So, there are a lot of self-proclaimed virgins out there who haven’t “gone all the way,” but will do “everything else but,” including oral sex.
The abundance of these “technical virgins” definitely has a lot to do with how society views virginity — as a really big deal, especially for girls. Whether you lose your virginity on prom night or on your wedding night, it’s your first time and it’d better be perfect and with the “right” person — or so conventional “wisdom” has it.
It is true that some people believe that an intact hymen — the thin tissue that stretches across at least part of the opening of the vagina in most girls — is proof of a woman’s virginity. But many people don’t believe the condition of the hymen is adequate for defining virginity. They know that it’s possible for a woman’s hymen to become stretched open even if she’s never had vaginal intercourse.
Many teens say that “having sex” is considered slutty, but “just fooling around” is no big deal. Whether you’re having intercourse or “just” outercourse — sex play that doesn’t involve vaginal intercourse, like oral sex — many of the same issues apply.
Despite what some people might think or say, oral sex does count — because just as with intercourse, there can be emotional and physical consequences to consider.
When we talk about risk, it’s often in reference to physical issues like sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy. But like intercourse, outercourse is sex play that also involves emotional risks. Will having oral sex change how you think about yourself and about your relationship? Will you expect more commitment or emotional closeness from your partner? Will you be doing it for the wrong reasons — like, because you think everyone else is doing it or because your partner is putting pressure on you?
It’s true that if someone is only having oral sex, there’s no worry about getting pregnant. But the physical risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection is there. Studies show that teenagers, and the majority of adults, rarely use protection — a condom or dental dam — when having oral sex. Why? Explanations range from, “What’s the point?” to, “I don’t think it’s a high-risk activity.”
The risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection from oral sex is lower than it is from vaginal or anal intercourse — but there’s still a risk. There are only a few cases in which people may have contracted HIV through oral sex. But infections such as gonorrhea, syphilis, and herpes can be transmitted by having unprotected oral sex, too.
When it comes to oral sex, if you’re not with a partner whom you know does not have an infection, then using protection during oral sex is key to reduce the risk of passing infection.
And all of this applies not only to teenagers but also to everyone — including the president of the United States.
Read the full report from the Alan Guttmacher Institute’s Family Planning Perspectives.