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IN FOCUS: ARTICLE |
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Old Friends, New Friends: Switching Cliques
by Amy Bryant, 09.26.06
"If you're fearful about the choices you make, your peers will see that." |
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When Alex was 15, she started dating a boy outside of her regular group of friends. "I didn't feel accepted by the group I was in, so I thought maybe his group would be better," she says. "My boyfriend was in the popular crowd, and they seemed more mature than the punk rockers I'd been hanging out with before."
The result was like a scene out of Mean Girls: Alex's old friends hated her for abandoning them, and when she couldn't conform to the demands of the popular crowd, her new friends pressured Alex's boyfriend to break up with her. Both groups spread rumors about her and made fun of her on the Internet.
Be True to Yourself
Friends often cluster together in groups or cliques based on common interests or attitudes. And sometimes when interests and attitudes change, friend groups change, too.
Switching cliques doesn't always have to be a bad thing. It's possible to maintain old and new friends, but it's important to examine your feelings and learn to recognize the difference between a supportive friendship and an unhealthy friendship.
If friends are being negative or critical of you, put you down, or make fun of you, the friendship is probably not worth saving. But if friends seem hurt but still care about you, it might be worth talking things out.
"You have to ask yourself why you're shifting groups," says Jim Chitty, a psychoanalyst practicing in New York and New Jersey who works with teenagers. "Is it because you don't want to get close to people, or have you done your best here, and it's time to move on? If you're fearful about the choices you make, your peers will see that," he says.
Be Open and Honest
If you decide to leave a group of friends, you have to deal with the fact that feelings are going to get hurt. But pretending that the problem doesn't exist is the worst thing you can do. Be open with your old friends as much as you can, and acknowledge that your interests are taking you elsewhere. And be realistic: Not everyone is going to support your decision.
If problems persist, consider talking to a parent, teacher, or counselor. Transitioning between friends is something that happens in all stages of life, and you're likely to need all the support and advice you can get. Talking about problems is a good thing, and an unbiased perspective from an adult you trust will help you make up your mind about what to do next.
Stick It Out
In some cases, you might find that you're flexible enough to maintain ties to more than one group of friends. Then again, you might not want to. "If you're holding onto one group out of desperation, and then you shift to another group, the responses from your friends are going to be negative," says Dr. Chitty. "But if you have a strong sense of self and are coming from a self-confident place, the shift could create a positive reaction."
While cliques are common, you're not required to join one. Welcoming, flexible groups of friends do exist, without the exclusive downside of cliques. And then, of course, there are teens who choose not to belong to any groups. All of these choices are normal - it's a matter of figuring out what's right for you.
Now 17, Alex has a new boyfriend and a few good friends who like her for who she is. "I had to make my own way," she says. "I couldn't figure out why I couldn't fit in with any one group, and finally I just stopped caring about what other people thought. I decided to be myself, and I'm much happier now."
People of all ages find new interests and friends, and that's normal. Maybe you don't feel like you fit into any one group, or maybe you fit into more than one. The important thing is to appreciate who you are. If you're happy with yourself, your real friends will ultimately be happy for you, no matter what clique they might belong to. |
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