"Choose your friends wisely. Instead of crushing down my feelings, my friends let me talk about it and cry and listened and didn't judge."
Name All the Animals (Scribner, 2004) is Alison Smith's memoir of coming out in the 1980s. Ironically, it was recently made required reading in public high schools located just down the block from where, a few months ago, protesters were picketing the Oscar-winning movie Brokeback Mountain because of its gay content.
In addition to her coming-out experience, Name All the Animals tells the story of how Alison loses her beloved brother in an accident and develops an eating disorder. In the midst of the pain, she falls in love with Terry, a quirky tomboy, who rains moments of joy into Alison's grieving. teenwire.com sat down with Alison to learn more about her memoir and hear her advice for teens dealing with love and loss.
teenwire.com (TW): Name All the Animals was chosen for a citywide reading program in your hometown of Rochester, NY.
Alison Smith (AS): Yes! They chose my book! And so that means that a book by a lesbian author, with lesbian content, is not just available to students, it's required reading.
TW: In the book, you are having two of life's most intense revelations going on at the same time — you're in the midst of this profound grief around losing your brother and also falling in love for the first time.
AS: I didn't have any help in managing what I think was a lot of confusion and rage that my brother was taken from me. And also I fell in love with a wonderful person and was condemned for that by my church.
I think the thing to do is to try and really make connections with understanding adults. Also, to really choose your friends wisely. Instead of crushing down my feelings, my friends let me talk about it and cry and listened and didn't judge.
TW: Not being understood by one's parents is a common theme in many books about teenagers. What advice do you have for teenagers who are having this problem?
AS: I think sometimes we are too afraid to show our parents who we are because the worst thing in the world that can happen is that our parents will reject us. So we sort of beat them to the dis by rejecting them before they can possibly reject us.
In my experience, most parents really want to be closer with their kids. They want to connect with them. I would try talking to your parents more, and I think a wonderful way to do that is to ask them what it was like for them in high school. Everybody likes to talk about themselves, and it sort of levels the playing field to hear parents talk about something in their past. That discussion can open parents up to understanding where you are now.
The other thing that can happen is you can have parents who really do reject you if you tell them certain things about yourself. Like say you're gay — I don't think you have to march home and announce it to your parents. I think the best thing for you to do is protect yourself and your burgeoning identity. Know that you have a right to explore it no matter what your parents say.
If you know your parents will not accept you, it's a good idea to bond with friends who will. Try to get yourself into a college away from home or get a job away from home if you can't go to college. And then once you are away from home and you have a community — a chosen family who knows and accepts you — then you can write your parents a letter or make a phone call.
TW: This book goes into depth about the grief of losing a sibling in a culture that often overlooks that grief.
AS: Absolutely. There are more books written every year about the loss of a pet than the loss of a sibling.
TW: In the book, part of your grieving manifests in saving food for your brother Roy, who died in an accident. In the process, you stop eating entirely. And then this symbol of keeping Roy turned into an eating disorder.
AS: It was important for me to talk about the experience as it happened. The terms "eating disorder" and "anorexia" don't appear in the book. I never thought I was anorexic because I didn't care about dieting and I was not trying to lose weight. I was not concerned with my physical appearance. I was trying to disappear.
TW: What would you say to teenagers about how to deal with grief? How do you stop starving yourself? How do you fall in love with less guilt?
AS: I think it's hard for everyone. Flannery O'Connor said, "Anyone who survives childhood has enough material to write for the rest of their lives." Things are going to change and it's probably going to get better. So just hang on and practice compassion for yourself. You're just a work in progress.
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