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The Soul Mate Debate
by Allison Bloom, 02.07.06
"Some people aren't meant to be in our lives forever, but they can teach us lessons and change our perspective." |
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Many movies, TV shows, and fairy tales tell us that we're each fated to be with one person — our "soul mate" — and that finding that person is the ultimate goal of dating. But is there really just one person out there for us? And does destiny determine our relationships?
Destiny's Child
Lisa Daily, a syndicated dating columnist and the author of Stop Getting Dumped!, believes there are many people we can be compatible with, and that the decisions we make along the way can help us find them. Lucy, 15, agrees. "I think that the choices we make determine our own destiny," she says.
Although Jennifer, 19, thinks the concept of "the one" is a nice idea, she believes there can be several "soul mates" out there for a person. "Your soul mate is the person you find at the right time for that certain stage in your life," she says.
And while "the one" may be a romantic idea, it can definitely backfire. Kwan, 17, used to thank fate for bringing him and his girlfriend together. He had hoped to marry her one day, but was shocked when she left him to date a college guy. For Kwan, moving on from the breakup was particularly difficult because he firmly believed there was only one person out there for him.
Daily suggests viewing a breakup as a learning experience, rather than a cruel twist of fate that dooms us to a life of loneliness. "We all have to make decisions based on the information we have at the time," she says. "Some people aren't meant to be in our lives forever, but they can teach us lessons and change our perspective."
You Can Do That on Television
From Ross and Rachel on Friends to Seth and Summer on The O.C., fictional couples are significant contributors to the soul mate mystique. But comparing real relationships to the Hollywood ideal can set unrealistic standards.
Just look at One Tree Hill's Chad Michael Murray (who plays Lucas Scott on the show) and Sophia Bush (who plays Brooke Davis). Murray and Bush's on-screen romance (in which Lucas referred to Brooke as "the one") is going strong, but their real-life union has not fared so well. Married in the spring of 2005, the couple has since separated. Newlyweds stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey recently broke up, too.
"While 'happily ever after' is guaranteed at the cineplex, real life is much more complicated, and happy endings can be more elusive," says Daily.
Getting Real
Many people think if they're lucky enough to find their so-called soul mate that everything will fall into place. In reality, no relationship is perfect. "A relationship with a soul mate is not one long parade of inside jokes and candlelit dinners," says Daily. "All relationships have rocky spots. And all relationships take work."
On a long-term basis, the person that sees you for you is the kind of person you can build a life with. Watch out for unrealistic expectations about destiny and "the one," and stick to what matters — a healthy relationship filled with communication, caring, and trust. |
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