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How to Speak Up for Yourself
by Vivian Manning-Schaffel, 01.27.06
"Everyone has the right to defend his or her feelings. Sometimes it just takes a little practice." |
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When Maggie, age 16, found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her, she was furious. But when he called her to shoot the breeze an hour after she found out, she was so anxious about confronting him that she acted like nothing was wrong. "I don't know what came over me," she says. "I was so nervous about telling him it was over that I couldn't get the words out!"
We've all been there. No one likes to have it out; yet almost everyday, we're faced with some kind of conflict, large or small. And even when we're right to speak up for ourselves, it can sometimes seem easier to put up and shut up than tell others how we really feel.
Fight or Flight
"Sometimes when we're faced with potential conflict, we hope if we ignore it, it will go away,'" says Mary Pender Greene, chief of social work services at the Jewish Board of Family and Children's Services. "Or we don't respond immediately because we don't know what to do — we are stunned into a state of shock."
Why is it so hard to speak up? "Conflict can feel like danger," explains Dr. Pat Palmer, co-author of Teen Esteem: A Self-Direction Manual for Young Adults. "You might find your heart beating fast and hard. You might break into a sweat. And your mind might take a u-turn, saying, 'Get me out of here!'" Scientists call these physical and mental changes the "fight or flight response" — when the body produces chemicals that rev us up, preparing us to stay and fight — or to run away from danger.
Why Speak Up?
While avoiding conflict can feel like the safest or easiest route, it often prevents us from addressing problems and working through them. When Allison, 14, overheard her best friend saying mean things about her, she was extremely hurt. "I didn't say anything at first because I hate to fight," she says, "but it quickly got to the point where I couldn't smile to her face anymore."
Speaking up can make us feel anxious, but not speaking up can get in the way of building healthy relationships. It can make us resent the other person or feel bad about ourselves. On the other hand, says Dr. Palmer, "When we speak up for ourselves, we gain respect. We give ourselves the right to own our time, our thoughts, our beliefs. And when we respect ourselves, other people respect us too."
When deciding whether or not to speak up, ask yourself these questions:
- Could speaking up improve this situation or relationship?
- Will I feel bad about myself or resent the other person if I don't speak up?
- If this relationship changes as a result of what I say, am I ready to deal with it?
Taking a Stand
If you've decided to speak up, Dr. Palmer offers these tips:
- Set the tone and decide ahead of time how you want to present yourself. Can you handle the situation with humor? Or are you really sad or angry and need to express that?
- Remember, you have every right to express your opinion and to disagree. Be firm but respectful — avoid name-calling and personal attacks.
- Sometimes it helps to practice in front of a mirror or with a friend to build confidence. You could also write out a general idea of what you want to say — it can help sort out your feelings and organize your thoughts.
Making Peace with Others — And Yourself
Facing conflict can be daunting, but tackling problems head-on is a key part of building healthy relationships — and building a healthy self.
"One thing to bear in mind is that most hurtful things actually happen in a brief period of time," says Pender Greene. "It's the agonizing and internalizing about them that goes on much longer, and is more damaging to self-esteem. Speak your mind and let go of any negative thinking, like worrying about what you should've said or done differently. Everyone has the right to defend his or her feelings. Sometimes it just takes a little practice."
Allison decided it was important to voice her feelings and talk to her friend. "I had to say something and I'm glad I did," she says. "We aren't friends anymore, but I'm OK with that. And maybe she'll think twice before gossiping next time." |
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