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Breakup Lessons
by Tamekia Reece, 12.06.05
"Badmouthing an ex is not the way to go. Even if that person starts it, you'll only make it worse if you respond." |
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Breaking up with someone can be painful. But like many tough times in life, it can be also a learning experience. Check out what these 20-somethings had to say about the lessons learned from their teenage breakups.
Be Straight Up
Instead of telling her last boyfriend that she wanted to break up, Jessika, age 22, just avoided him. "I was trying not to hurt his feelings," she says. But he didn't get the message. "He kept calling and e-mailing me," she says. Finally, she told him that it was over. "I went through a lot of hassle that could've been avoided if I'd told him the truth to begin with," she says.
You can't expect anyone to read your mind, so don't think that significant others will get the hint if you just avoid them. People may think this is a good way to avoid hurting someone's feelings, but it can actually lead to confusion and resentment — your ex may feel deceived and annoyed about getting the runaround.
And don't count on a friend to do your dirty work, either. Chris, 20, said he's had friends tell his girlfriends he's breaking it off. "Afterwards I'd feel horrible," he says. "Now I tell girls myself."
If You Sling Mud, You'll End up Dirty
Sometimes people get downright nasty during a breakup — maybe because the soon-to-be ex won't take "no" for an answer, or maybe because they've been hurt themselves.
"When I was 17, I wrote an ex a list of reasons I didn't like him, including things about his private parts," says Sheri, 21. She did it to let him know it was "really over," but it backfired. "A couple of weeks later, I wanted to get back with him, but he said no because of that list."
After Stephanie's boyfriend broke up with her, he started spreading rumors about her. So she fought back by spreading rumors about him. Eventually things got pretty embarrassing and both of their reputations suffered. "I now know [badmouthing an ex] is not the way to go," says Stephanie, now 23. "Even if that person starts it, you'll only make it worse if you respond."
Badmouthing exes is disrespectful, and it may prompt them to retaliate and spread bad news about you. Plus, if you're known for talking smack or spilling your exes' secrets, other people might be wary of dating you for fear you'll do the same to them.
Hindsight Is 20/20
After his girlfriend broke it off because she "wasn't feeling him anymore," Nathan, 20, started beating himself up. "The signs were all there, but I didn't realize it until afterwards," he says.
When a relationship ends, some people obsess about things they think they did wrong, or how things could have turned out differently. Learning from past experiences is helpful, but dwelling on them can cause a lot of stress. "Realize hindsight is always 20/20 and don't tear yourself down over things you can't change," Nathan suggests.
Life Goes On
You've probably heard the saying "time heals all wounds." Allow yourself time to get over your ex, but don't let the breakup blues keep you from hanging out with your friends and doing the things you love.
Sheri remembers a time when after the breakup of a long relationship, she felt like there was no reason to live. Feeling down after a breakup is normal, but if you're experiencing serious depression or suicidal thoughts, do what Sheri did — talk to a trusted adult or counselor who can help you work through your feelings. |
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