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Am I Gay? My First Girl Crush
Danya, 07.08.05
What matters is that each of us finds the right answers for ourselves. |
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I don't know if I like to watch her because I want to look like her, or because I'm attracted to her.
Why am I always happier to be around her than my boyfriend?
Everybody thinks this stuff sometimes ... don't they?
I first figured out that I like girls when I was 18. I had spent the evening bonding with a new friend, and suddenly I was slapped with the realization that, more than anything, I wanted to lean over and kiss her. I didn't. But that was the first time I actually acknowledged (to myself) an interest in dating girls. And it freaked me out.
Looking back, I can see that the couple of years before that were filled with intense crushes on girl friends, and the occasional moment of catching myself staring at some girl's butt. But I had boyfriends. I dated guys. I always said that if I were actually bisexual, it'd be totally okay. I didn't really mean it, though — gay people are fine, I thought, but I wasn't one of them.
Working Through It
For many people, coming out is difficult and even painful. Even without the fear of what your family and friends will think, it can be really hard to deal with the fact that your life is not turning out as you had expected. Rearranging your own expectations ... trying to mentally align yourself with other lesbian, gay, and bisexual people ... trying to understand if the same-sex impulse is a part of who you are ... wondering if you can ever shut it off. It's tough stuff to work through.
If you're in the middle of it, give yourself some time. Try not to jump to conclusions, and remember that whatever sexual orientation you are, it's perfectly normal.
Exploring My Feelings
After the wish-to-kiss incident, I slowly began to see that some of the cute women I knew really did attract me. I bought a book of lesbian fiction. I tried to picture myself kissing a girl, and then fooling around a little, and then (oh, blush!) fooling around a lot. I found friends who were lesbian, gay, and bisexual, too. It was a relief to learn that they had gone through a similar process and had the same questions and fears. Little by little I worked it out in my own head.
Everybody deals with this stuff differently, and just because you're questioning doesn't mean you're lesbian, gay, or bisexual. I know plenty of people who identify as straight and say that they've had sexual thoughts about people of the same sex, or even sexual experiences with them. They don't consider themselves lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Sexual orientation isn't something we can decide for ourselves, people interpret their feelings and claim their identities in different ways, and that's fine. What matters is that each of us finds the right answers for ourselves.
How Do I Know?
Maybe you have questions about your sexuality. You might be content leaving things as they are for now and looking for a resolution later. Or you might feel like now is the time to examine your feelings and figure out once and for all if you are attracted to people who are the same sex. The timing doesn't really matter, either — when it's time to deal with it, you'll know.
Whatever conclusions you come to, make peace with them. Whether or not you like same-sex smooching isn't really the issue — the most important thing is to be comfortable with who you really are and what will bring you closer to love and happiness. |
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