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Does Age Matter? When Girls Date Older Guys
by Juhie Bhatia, 02.22.05
"Whether you're my age or older, no means no." |
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Alexandra, 18, has pretty much only dated older guys. "The guys in my own grade seem immature, and I've known them forever," she says.
For Alexandra, dating guys a couple years older has meant having boyfriends who own cars, can afford to buy her nice things, and can take her to parties she wouldn't normally go to. It also means instant new friends — his friends.
And Alexandra's not alone. She says most of her friends have dated older guys, too. So does that mean the age gap is no biggie? Well, not necessarily. Some older guys may be more mature, more experienced, and able to drive, but they also come with more expectations, which may also mean more pressure about a lot of things, including sex. In fact, girls who date older guys are much more likely to have unintended pregnancies than those who date guys their own age. And when teenagers have sex with older partners, legal issues may come into play — but more on that later.
Who's in Control?
"Age doesn't make a sleaze," says Dr. Vaughn Rickert, a professor at Columbia University who has done research on teenage girls who date older guys. "But some guys do date younger girls to control them and to be idolized."
A good way to figure out an older boyfriend's motives is to look at his reputation and how he's treated past girlfriends. Is he just kind and respectful ... or is he kind and respectful and controlling? This may be hard to determine, since control isn't always as obvious as saying "do this" or "don't do that." People can be controlling in ways that are more subtle. Making partners feel like they have to choose between the relationship and family or friends is one way of being controlling. Checking up on them constantly, or trying to influence them to act, talk, or dress in certain ways are others.
Mercedes, 18, felt an ex who was three years older took the control in the relationship because she was expected to spend most of her time with his friends — he wasn't into her same-age friends. Alexandra also thought she had less control because all of her older boyfriends seemed to be cooler, and she felt pressured trying to fit in with each new, "cooler" set of friends.
The Path to Popularity?
If you're dating an older guy, it might be helpful to ask yourself what exactly you like about him. Is he really someone you want to get to know and have things in common with, or is it just cool to be dating older? Sometimes an older guy might seem like a quick ticket out of a bad situation or to more popularity, but it's important to make sure that isn't all he is.
"Though it depends on who the guy is, it generally is seen as cooler to date an older guy," says Staley, 15, who is dating a high school senior. But the thing is, healthy relationships are based on a lot more than social status or popularity. The fact is that having mutual respect, trust, honesty, equality, and good communication in a relationship are way more important and satisfying than just "being cool."
What About Sex?
And then there's sex — a factor that comes into play in many relationships. Just because he's older and may be more experienced doesn't mean he'll expect a sexual relationship. But he might.
"A large part of the issue is that people are concerned that the guy will manipulate the girl, particularly around issues of sexuality and intimacy," says Dr. Rickert.
Even if a guy tries to put the pressure on, a girl should only do what she's comfortable with. "Whether you're my age or older, no means no," says Mercedes.
Whether or not you are dating older guys, talking things through with them about what you're ready for — and what you're not — can really help. That's because communication is the key to all relationships. Everyone expects different things from a relationship. You won't know for sure what those expectations are until you talk about it!
It's the Law
A girl who's hooking up with an older guy needs to think about something else, too — the law. Each state has its own laws governing the age of consent — the age at which a person is considered to be old enough to agree to have sex. States can also have different rules depending on whether it's two girls, two guys, a girl and a guy, or even what kind of sex they are having!
People above a state's age of consent who have sex with people below a state's age of consent can be charged with statutory rape. This is true even if the younger people are willing, because the law says they aren't old enough to legally give consent. "Statutory rape" is a crime that can be punished with a jail sentence for the older person.
Hundreds of older men go to jail every year for having sex with younger women. It can happen in same-sex relationships, too. In one notorious recent case in Kansas, an 18-year-old guy was sentenced to 17 years in prison for having oral sex with a guy who was just a few days shy of turning 15.
Think It Through
So should you run the other way when you see a hot older guy? Not necessarily. But it's a good idea to think things through if you are thinking about dating older men. Who will be in control? What are your expectations? What are his? What are your risks? Could there be legal problems? It can also help to talk things through with someone whose thinking you trust and value, whether it's your best friend, a sibling, a parent, or another trusted adult. When dating older — and for dating in general — it's best to enter the relationship with your eyes wide open. |
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