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Multiple Moms and Dual Dads
by Christy Brownlee, 11.05.04
"My family is like any other family." |
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Quinn, a 19-year-old student at Boston University, is pretty tight with his family. When he's home from college, he hangs out with his parents practically every night. They eat dinner together, go on some awesome vacations together, and take in a few baseball games over the summer. "I don't think my family is that different from anyone else's, other than being an alternative setup," he said. Quinn is referring to the fact that he has three parents — two gay dads who he lives with, and a lesbian biological mom who frequently visits.
There are millions of lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT) families living in the U.S. More and more LGBT people are having or adopting kids every year, so families like Quinn's are becoming increasingly common.
Coming Out, Finding Out
Quinn has always known his parents were gay — they never kept it secret from him. But not everyone with gay parents has that luxury. Some kids find out that their mom or dad is LGBT after their parents go through a divorce. Others get the scoop from their single parent after they start wondering what's up with mom or dad's new "friend."
Cleo, a 15-year-old from New York, was adopted by her single foster mom when she was seven. A couple of years later, she said that she figured something might be up when her mom's best friend moved into their apartment. When Cleo started asking questions, her mom told her that she a lesbian. "I didn't think there was anything wrong with it," Cleo says. "I wasn't aware that anyone thought there might be something bad about it."
Plenty of kids like Cleo take the news from mom or dad in stride. But for others, finding out that a parent is LGBT can turn their world upside down. "We have preconceived notions of who people are, and when that changes, sometimes it shakes things up," said Meredith Fenton, a program coordinator for Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE), a group for kids from LGBT families. Having a parent come out of the closet can make some kids feel like they never really knew their mom or dad. Plus, if being LGBT is a reason for their parent's divorce, it can make adjusting to mom and dad's separation even harder.
Second Generation
Like kids from any other kind of family, kids from LGBT families may be straight or LGBT. You might think that the coming out process for "second generation" kids in LGBT families would be easier than it is for LGBT kids in straight families. That's not necessarily true. Some "second generation" kids can feel pressured to stay in the closet so people won't think their folks "made" them gay. Some have parents who worry that their kids will end up being targets of homophobic discrimination or hatred. Some LGBT parents still have their own unresolved issues about their orientation that they project on their children. And some straight kids may feel that their LGBT parents are disappointed in them for not being gay.
All families, regardless of the sexual orientation of the parents, can have trouble accepting their children's sexual orientation That's why it's important to remember that sexual orientation is not something a person can choose. There is increasingly strong evidence that it is determined by biological factors that are in place before a child is even born.
Kids from LGBT families — whether they're LGBT or straight themselves — may benefit from meeting other kids with LGBT parents. COLAGE and other groups help set them up with pen pals, bring them together to chat it up in support groups, and host big family get-togethers. When kids from LGBT families meet each other, they usually find out they have more in common with everyone else than they thought. "My family is like any other family," said Cleo. "It's just that I live with more moms than other people." |
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