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The Trend to Pretend
by Allison Bloom, 10.29.04
"Dishonesty in a relationship can be disastrous." |
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When Christina, now 18, was in middle school, she had a major crush on this guy who was really into The Beatles. At the time she preferred Top 40 and movie soundtracks, but Christina started listening to The Beatles anyway (or at least, she pretended to listen to them).
"I would involve myself in conversations with him saying things like 'I love that song!' or 'Yeah, isn't it great?!,'" she says, "even though I hadn't really listened to the music."
Sound familiar? Many of us have misrepresented ourselves at one point or another, in order to snag the attention of a cute girl or guy. From reality TV shows like Joe Millionaire (where a regular guy pretends to be a millionaire to get girls) to feature films like The Prince and Me (where the Prince of Denmark pretends to be a normal guy to get Julia Stiles to like him), the trend to pretend is all around us. But why do we do it?
Faking It
"I think the reason most people misrepresent themselves is because they don't feel like they measure up or think they're good enough just the way they are," says Denise Evans, author of Graduating Girlhood: A Teenage Girl's Guide to Success in Relationships & Life. "We really need to step back and take a good look at our motivation for doing this."
According to Evans, the messages we get from the media play a big role in the trend to pretend. Shows like MTV's Becoming and AMC's Into Character, in which staffers take ordinary people and transform them into their favorite performers, glamorize the idea of transformation. Advertisements tell us that we need to be prettier, sexier, or skinnier in order to get people to love us, and sadly, we often believe them.
"People pretend to be something other than what they really are because they have their own insecurities," says Catherine, 15. "They think that acting dumb or just totally changing what they're like will make other people like them. It can be hard to be yourself."
The Trend Is Spreading
A recent study by heyugly.com, a Web site dedicated to helping teens build self-esteem, found that 17 percent of girls act dumb on occasion to get guys to like them. (Pop star Jessica Simpson admits to "playing the ditz" — and according to her mother, she's got a genius-level IQ of 160!) But misrepresenting who you really are is not a guaranteed recipe for securing that hot date. Sometimes it even backfires.
"I've learned that the truth is always best, since dishonesty in a relationship can be disastrous," says Christina. "If the person you like falls for the person you're pretending to be, then that person isn't interested in the real you and will eventually figure that out, and you'll both get hurt. It never works."
To Thine Own Self Be True
Being true to yourself can be difficult, especially if you're feeling self-conscious. But don't fret. Each of us has the character and inner strength it takes to be who we really are. We just have to muster up the confidence to show that self to the world. Try these tips from Evans:
- Think of five positive traits about yourself, and focus on how fortunate you are to have these traits.
- Next, focus on how you can use those qualities to enhance the relationships you have with others.
- Finally, be yourself around girls or guys that you are crushing on, and let your "you" qualities shine through.
If that doesn't attract the cutie you've had your eye on, shift your focus elsewhere. No girl or guy is worth sacrificing your uniqueness — find someone who appreciates the real you. "You will always make a better original of yourself than you will a pretend someone else," says Evans. "And you are bound to have more success at being yourself!"
As for Christina, she quickly realized that being herself was more important than getting that Beatles guy to like her. She even met someone new who likes movie soundtracks, too. "The doors seemed to open when I started appreciating me for who I was," she says. "Being myself made everything a lot easier." |
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