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Summer Love
by Allison Bloom, 09.07.04
"Real life isn't a honeymoon!" |
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You spent your summer soaking up sunsets, swimming at the beach, and kissing in the moonlight with someone really special. But with school back in session, you may face some new challenges to your relationship. Here are three common stumbling blocks and some suggestions for how to make summer love work year round.
Potential Problem 1: The Honeymoon Is Over
Over the summer, you probably had fewer obligations and were less stressed and more open to finding love. Now you're missing that feeling when everything was relaxed, fresh, and exciting. Is it possible to preserve the glow of that honeymoon period?
"Over the summer, you're free to waste your time, be lazy, and just bum around. You can be a very different person than the person you are the rest of the year," says Jessica, 19. "Real life isn't a honeymoon."
It's normal for sparks to fizzle slightly in any romance, especially when you throw routine and responsibility into the mix. If the dismal decor of the school cafeteria is bringing you down, focus on recreating the dreamy ambiance of summer. Take a walk outside under the stars while it's still warm, or do something fun and festive together, like going to a concert or having a picnic in the park. It can take work to keep romance alive, especially in a relationship that was forged on vacation.
On the other hand, sometimes people discover that their summer sweeties are not so sweet after all. "Some people act differently on vacations because they are in new situations that bring out new facets of themselves," says Dr. Benjamin Karney, associate professor of social psychology at the University of Florida. "Returning home, they might be embarrassed about the way they acted on vacation and return to their prior selves," he says. If you suddenly find that your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't the same once you hit school, you may have to chalk it up to a summer fling and move on.
Potential Problem 2: Clique Issues
In the movie Grease, John Travolta's Danny and Olivia Newton John's Sandy meet over the summer and have a whirlwind romance. But when Danny finds out that Sandy goes to his high school, he blows her off — he's worried that his friends will think he's a loser for dating someone uncool. "Going from 'summer mode' to 'school mode' can be really hard on a relationship, especially if you feel like you have a certain image to maintain," says Christina, 18.
It can be nice to be part of a group, but cliques can put pressure on you to date a certain type of person. Dating your summer love during the year has the potential to send ripples through your social life. If you're willing to risk the disapproval of your friends, then go for it — they may warm up to your sweetie eventually. If they don't, it's possible that they see something troubling in your significant other that you don't, and asking them what's up may be in order. On the other hand, sometimes groups can be exclusionary for no good reason, and you may want to consider moving on to a more accepting circle of friends.
Potential Problem 3: All in the Timing
After-school activities, clubs, and homework can leave little space for romance. And if your summer love goes to a different school, you'll see each other even less often. Keeping the romance alive through this transition can be a real challenge. "Since vacations are sometimes seen as experiences that happen outside of the 'real' world, relationships made while on vacation may have trouble fitting into every day life," says Karney.
During the summer, couples have more freedom and don't have the daily pressures of activities and academics. You'll have to make adjustments to accommodate a more hectic schedule once the school year begins. Find ways to incorporate the relationship into your busy life by studying with each other or joining the same club, if you go to the same school. When you can't be together, keep in touch through IMing or over the phone. Remember, you don't need to spend all your time with your significant other — having some of your own friends and doing your own thing can actually help make a relationship healthier.
The Real World
Integrating a summer boyfriend or girlfriend into "normal," non-vacation life can be difficult, but not impossible. Be open and honest about your expectations for the relationship and your prior commitments. A relationship is worth pursuing if both people involved respect each other, want similar things out of the relationship, and really enjoy one another's company.
Jessica adds: "If you realize that the relationship was really perfect for the summer, but just won't work in the real world, that's OK too. You'll always have the memories!" |
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