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"My Mom Is an Alcoholic ... Help!"
by Cindy Kuzma, 08.06.04
"Living with an alcoholic parent makes you feel like you have to be in control." |
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You've probably heard adults talk about what to do if their kids start drinking too much or taking drugs. But what happens when the person with a problem is a parent?
If one or both of your parents is an alcoholic, abuses illegal drugs, or becomes addicted to prescription drugs like painkillers, chances are it's going to have a major effect on your life. You might feel
- embarrassed by their behavior
- upset that you can't count on them to take care of you
- scared that they'll hurt themselves or others, including you
- ashamed that your family isn't perfect
- responsible for their problems, or guilty that you can't make them better
Addiction Takes Its Toll
"Living with an alcoholic parent makes you feel like you have to be in control — like you have to control both them and yourself because they can't control themselves," says Kristin, 16, who has two alcoholic parents.
Addiction can cause some really serious problems, and when it's a part of your family, it also affects your everyday life and how you deal with your feelings. Kaylee, 12, says she often freaks out about minor issues that don't have anything to do with her dad's addiction. "I'd always get stuck on these little kinds of things — like if I lost something, I'd get really upset. But I'm learning to move on and see what's really important."
All of those feelings are perfectly normal, says Susan Miller, psychologist and author of When Parents Have Problems: A Book for Teens and Older Children with an Abusive, Alcoholic, or Mentally Ill Parent. "It's scary not knowing whether your parent can be relied on to pick you up when they're supposed to, or to drive safely if they've been drinking or taking drugs," she says. "There's a lot of unpredictability and unreliability. You might feel orphaned, stranded, like you have to get your guidance elsewhere."
What Can I Do?
If you think you or siblings are in danger because of your parent's behavior, call the police or protective services in your area. If you can't find the phone number, a trusted adult can help you get in touch with the right people. Dr. Miller suggests a friend's parent, a clinician, a religious leader, or a school counselor.
Even if you're not in immediate danger, it's really important to look for an adult you can talk to about your parent's addiction and how you are handling it. Talking with someone else who acknowledges that your parent has a problem can really lift a weight off your chest. "Don't just hold everything in — let your feelings out," Kaylee says. "I used to hold things in, and it was bad. Try to find a friend or someone — anyone — to talk to."
Groups like Alateen can help you hook up with adults who understand, as well as other teens who are in similar situations. (Alateen deals with drug addiction as well as alcoholism.) Nathaniel, 15, has been attending Alateen meetings for about four years. "The main thing I've learned would be the three c's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it," he says. "You have to realize that you didn't cause the craziness you see in your mom or your dad."
Ashley, 17, has also found Alateen a safe place to share her feelings with others. "I made the excuse that I was only coming for my brother — I was the older one and I wanted to set an example," she says. "But now, I come for myself. It helps me to deal with the things that happen at home and realize that I can't change anything except myself."
That's probably the hardest, but most important, lesson that children of addicts have to learn, says Dr. Miller. "Recognize that your powers are very limited. There are some things you can do — like involving other adults — but you're not going to be able to talk your parents into changing their behavior."
You also shouldn't feel guilty for worrying about your own life. "Your main responsibility isn't to be taking care of adults," Dr. Miller says. "Your main responsibility is to your own healthy time of growing up. It's not selfish to pay attention to school, grades, friends, and other activities. That's your job." |
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