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The Hook-Up Rut
by Elisa Klein, 07.27.04
"We try to be social instead of it always being just the two of us." |
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Lately, whenever my boyfriend and I are together, all we do is hook up. It's like we just expect it to happen every time we hang out, and we never end up doing anything else together, like going out or just talking. I feel like we don't have a relationship other than a physical one. How do we get back to the way we used to be?
Does this sound familiar? It's not unusual for relationships to get stuck in a hook-up rut. Hooking up means different things to different people, and can range from kissing to outercourse to even intercourse. While this physical intimacy can be important in a relationship, if you find yourself in a never-ending cycle of hello, hook up, and goodbye, it might be time to take a step back and take a look at what's going on.
Maybe you've decided that you need to mix things up a bit more. But sometimes finding that balance between physical connection and just plain quality time can be hard! Here are some suggestions on how to re-focus your relationship and get out of the hook-up rut. ...
Remember When ...
How did you and your sweetie meet? Did you fall head over heels while deep in conversation at a party, or did you catch each other's eye while at the mall? It's likely that you were attracted to each other before you actually hooked up, so revisit that time and go back to doing some of those activities. "Before I started officially going out with my boyfriend, we were just friends who hung out in the same group," says Leslie, 17. "Now that we're a couple, we still hang out with our friends and try to be social instead of it always being just the two of us."
Leslie has the right idea. Instead of staying in and fooling around all of the time, try and get out and participate in things that you like to do together. Then, when you are alone, the time you spend together will be that much more special!
Talk About It!
You might automatically assume that your sweetie wants to hook up 24/7, but that's not always the case. Believe it or not, even hooking up can get boring after awhile if that's all you do! If your relationship is lacking in hands-off quality time, communicate with your partner about how you'd like things to change.
Ellie, 18, suggests that you explain to your honey that you need to chill out for a while. "Don't let hooking up take over your relationship," she says. "It's not what's most important. And if your girlfriend or boyfriend disagrees, then you need to let her or him know that you are in the relationship for different reasons!"
Talk with your partner about what she or he wants out of the relationship. If your honey is just looking for a hook-up buddy and that's not what's on your mind, then maybe it's time to call it quits.
Making a Connection
Hooking up is only one way to get close to someone. There are many other ways to feel connected to your girlfriend or boyfriend. And if you think that there's nothing better to do than hook up ... guess again! Many relationships are built on the simple things, not big-deal fantasy dates like you see on reality TV! Here are some examples of intimate activities that can help your relationship grow closer:
- Share some laughs — watch your favorite silly movie together.
- Support each other — help your honey with schoolwork or with a project.
- Spend time with family and friends — get to know the important people in your sweetie's life!
If you find yourself in a hook-up rut, there are many ways out! It may take some effort, but in the long run, you'll probably find out that your relationship is better off. And remember, just because you hooked up in the past, you always have the right to decide if you want to hook up again. Follow these simple guidelines, and you will soon be out of the hook-up rut! |
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