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I Cheated ... Now What?
by Terry Miller Shannon, 06.22.04
"Not every relationship is supposed to last forever." |
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It's shocking. Someone in your relationship is a two-timer. And that cheater is — you. Guilt is eating at your gut like a worm at the core of an apple. So what should you do?
Why Did I Do It?
Some serious soul-searching is probably in order. "Ask yourself why you did it and how you feel now," suggests Carol Weston, author of For Teens Only and Girltalk.
Was that whole "Whoops!" a scream from your subconscious? Could it be that you've been unhappy in your relationship? Or you're not ready for any committed twosome? Do you really want your honey to find out and drop you? If so, maybe a gentle breakup is in order —the sooner, the better. As Weston points out, "Not every relationship is supposed to last forever."
If you do want your relationship to continue, you should consider why you cheated: Were you high or drunk? Were you out for revenge? Trying to create jealousy? Is this problem a pattern in your relationships? No matter what the scene was, though, in order to move ahead it's important to accept responsibility for your actions.
Maybe you're not sure why you did it. Or you aren't positive how you feel about your relationship. This would be a good time to talk to someone you trust. However, Weston warns that if you confide to a friend at school, the news may get around — and back to your girlfriend or boyfriend. Eek, what a mess! So look for a sympathetic ear (hopefully attached to a person) who won't spread this around.
To Tell ... ?
Is it confession time? First of all, did the cheating involve sex, and if so, was it unsafe? If so, consider the fact that you may be exposing your partner to infection. It's also a good idea to step up to the plate if you know your honey will hear about it anyway — it's probably much better coming from you than from someone else. (Think how you'd feel in the same situation!)
If you do decide to tell all, start out with your heartfelt apologies. Think of the way you'd prefer to hear this kind of harsh news. Needless to say, no matter how well you explain or apologize, you may not be forgiven. Expect that your partner will most likely be sad or angry.
If your relationship continues, you'll have to figure out what you need to do to prevent this from happening again. You'll need to prove you're trustworthy by showing ongoing respect in your relationship. You have to talk and talk, sharing your feelings and expectations, in order to build a healthy link.
... Or Not to Tell?
Honesty might not necessarily be best if you plan to break up anyway. Why make that person feel even worse? You also might choose to keep mum if your ex will never find out, it was a one-time event, and you know it will never happen again. But, that's totally a judgment call.
The whole confessions issue is not always clear-cut. (Don't you just hate that?) "You don't want to devastate someone just to relieve your guilt," Weston says, "but you don't want to live a lie." In the end, what's right for you to do might hinge on what you would honestly want if the circumstances were reversed.
Living with It
Eaten up with what you've done? Show yourself the same respect you'd show a friend who's messed up. Forgive yourself. At the same time, don't belittle the damage you've done. Learn from your mistake.
"These things are complicated," Carol Weston says. "Which is why, next time you're tempted, you should ask yourself how you would feel if your significant other hooked up with somebody besides you. Rotten, right? Let that insight slow you down." |
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