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Are You Experienced?
by Minna Dubin, 06.08.04
"If I'd been with only a few people, I'd just be ashamed I couldn't 'get any play.'" |
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I'm a freshman in high school, 14 years old, standing outside with my crush, Tony. We are totally about to kiss. On the outside, I'm putting on the "I'm cool" vibe, but on the inside I'm freaking out. I've never French kissed before. What if I don't tell him, and then he thinks I'm a horrible kisser? What if I do, and he gets freaked out by how inexperienced I am?
Talking about sexual experience in a relationship can be a tricky issue. Should you ask? How do you tell? And how will your partner react? teenwire.com took these questions straight to some teens to see what they had to say.
What Are We Afraid Of?
When it comes to sexual experience, some people worry about having "too much" sexual experience and others worry about having "too little." And as a result, many people have mixed feelings about whether or not to bring up the issue of experience in the first place.
A potential drawback to discussing the topic is the assumptions people often make about levels of experience. "There's always the matter of reputation — prude or slut," explains Kelly, 16. "And I guess a partner with a lot of experience can be a little intimidating if you don't have much."
Matthew, 17, shares this concern. "If I'd been with only a few people, I'd just be ashamed I couldn't 'get any play,'" he says.
The "player" stereotype puts a lot of pressure on guys to act like they're experienced. "Some guys view girls as objects instead of people, or at least pretend to," says James. "Guys put up this sexist facade to try to impress other guys. For the most part, guys think that their friends are actually like that."
On the flipside, he explains, "Girls will criticize other girls for being sluts." This stereotype is just as troubling as the "player" stereotype, because it suggests that there's something "dirty" about girls being sexually active, which is not true at all!
It's also important to think about what will happen if you tell all. Do you trust your partner enough to keep this information private, or do you suspect she or he might be tempted to tell the school about what you've done?
Bringing It Up
If you do decide to talk about your experiences, you may find that being open about what you've done — and what you liked and didn't like — can make sex play more comfortable and enjoyable. But how do you bring up the subject?
"I just asked," says Matthew. "I said, 'Oh hey, Jane, I was just wondering ... do you mind telling me what you've gone through in the past?'" Matthew laughs and tells me, "It felt awkward asking, but once we got into the convo it was fine."
Kelly has a similar approach. "I think if you're interested in doing it, either partner should bring it up," she says. "Like, 'I really wanna *blank* with you.' And then the other person tells how she or he feels about it."
The Bottom Line
Everyone has different values about sexual experience. What's right for one person may not be right for another. But in any case, having lots of experience doesn't make someone a "slut," and being sexually inexperienced is not something to be ashamed of.
Whether you've been around the block a few times or you're just starting out down that road, there's no such thing as the "perfect" level of experience. Good sex is about good communication — not about meaningless labels like "prude" and "slut." As Matthew says, "Do what you feel is right for you and your partner, regardless of what your peers might say." |
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