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When Parents Cheat
by Shara Rutberg, 04.02.04
"Life goes on. He's still my dad." |
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Karen was 14 when she found out her father was cheating on her mother. "I felt completely betrayed," she says, remembering what she went through right after her dad admitted to his affair. "And I was really embarrassed. I didn't want anybody else to know." But most of all, she was angry. She felt like her family was falling apart, and that it was her dad's fault. "I didn't want to speak to him," she says.
"Anger is the first natural response," explains Deanna Pledge, a psychologist who specializes in working with adolescents and helping people adjust to life changes. Being angry and embarrassed and feeling betrayed are natural, normal reactions to finding out one of your parents has been cheating. But how can you deal with it?
Talk About It
After finding out a parent has been cheating, the last thing you might feel like doing is talking to her or him. "A few years ago when I found out my dad was cheating on my mom, I didn't talk to him for months," says Jason, 14. Jason was angry because he felt that his dad's actions had broken up his parents' marriage. "I didn't even want to see him."
But even if you're not ready to face your mom or dad, it's still important to talk to someone about how you're feeling, explains Dr. Pledge. For some people, confiding in a sibling can be comforting. "My sister was a huge help," says Karen. "She was the only one who I felt knew exactly what I was going through."
Other people find it more helpful to look outside the family for support. "A lot of times, anger gets in the way when you try to talk to a family member," says Dr. Pledge. "That's why support from someone outside the family — like a coach or a teacher — can be critical."
You could also confide in a trusted friend, even though you might be embarrassed about what happened. "When I finally told my friends what was going on, it wasn't the end of the world," says Karen. "It kind of opened the door, actually. I found out my parents weren't the only ones having problems in their relationship. I wasn't alone."
Go to a Pro
Jason tried talking to his friends about his dad's behavior. But it wasn't helping him feel any better, and it wasn't making life any easier at home. So he started visiting a therapist, which he says finally began to make a difference.
Karen agrees that it helps to have a formal place to vent. She got a lot of support from her friends and her sister, but still found it useful to visit her high school counselor. "Talking to a professional helped me immensely," she says.
"Just because your mother or father did something that makes you feel bad, it doesn't make you a bad person or mean that people will think less of you," says Dr. Pledge. "Sometimes you need a therapist to get that point across."
When a parent cheats, it hurts. And whether it leads to divorce or not, it may seem at first like you'll never move past it. But over time — sometimes a lot of time — you may be able to forgive your parent and you'll be able to speak to her or him without anger or suspicion. "It's always with you and it always hurts," says Jason. "But life goes on. He's still my dad." |
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