I thought that I made the best decision by calling it quits with my boyfriend before going away to college. But the adjustment of school was hard, and we were both a little lonely. We ended up back together when we were home for the holidays. But now that I’m back at school, I’m just not feeling it. I guess we need to break up again.
— Katie, 18
Katie’s not alone when it comes to the never-ending relationship. Sometimes it seems like you simply can’t shake your ex, even if you broke up for all of the right reasons. It’s easy to get caught up in the drama and excitement of a relationship rollercoaster, but eventually you’re going to have to get off before you both go bonkers! Here are some tips to help you navigate those ups and downs:
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener!
Does your sweetie come groveling back after every breakup? “A lot of times you want to break up with someone to see if you might be able to land your all-time crush,” says Marcus, 16. “But when you realize that you had a good thing going, you try and get back into your relationship.”
Being in a relationship requires commitment, so if you or your significant other is constantly wondering if the grass is greener on the other side, it’s time to check your level of investment. And before you resort to weekly breakups and make-ups, try to talk through your doubts — you may be able to work through some of your relationship issues or concerns.
The Rules of Attraction
Maybe your relationship wasn’t all that, but you’re still attracted to your ex after the breakup. Attraction doesn’t die easily, but a healthy relationship requires more than just a desire to hook up! “It’s perfectly natural to still want to be with someone physically after a breakup, but getting back together for that reason alone is likely to make both people confused,” says Seth Noar, a psychologist and communications researcher. Bottom line — unless your relationship was only about hooking up to begin with, physical attraction isn’t enough reason to bring you back together.
It’s Lonely at the Top!
So you said your goodbyes to your sweetie, only to realize that Saturday nights aren’t much fun by yourself. Sure, it’s tempting to make amends with your ex so you’ll have an automatic study buddy or dinner date, but remember that you’re probably better off being alone for the right reasons than being in a relationship for the wrong ones! “Loneliness is part of the breakup,” says Dr. Noar. “Before trying to get back in the relationship, give yourself some time to find out if you really did make the right decision.”
Tying Up Loose Ends
“When you break up with someone, you may always wonder what if?” says Katie. “But it’s important to remember the reasons why you broke up in the first place and trust your feelings.” Katie is right on! So, to avoid the relationship rollercoaster, here’s a quick review on how to make a clean break:
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- Consider the reasons you broke up in the first place. If they still seem like good reasons, stick to your decision.
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- Avoid playing the back-and-forth game by addressing your fears and concerns when they arise, rather than letting issues build up and destroy your relationship. As we always say — good communication is key!
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- Don’t let physical attraction overrule common sense. Hooking up with an ex usually complicates things.
- Give yourself some time to recover. Don’t run back to your ex at the first sign of boredom or loneliness.
We know it’s not easy to let go of someone you loved — or even liked a lot. But with a little patience and a lot of communication, you can avoid the up-and-down drama and save the rollercoaster ride for the amusement park!