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Y Stay Friends with Your X?
by Christy Brownlee, 02.26.04
"Even if the like-like is gone, the like is still there." |
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Everyone knows those three little words that can signal the start of a beautiful relationship: "I love you." But then, just four little words can bring your budding romance to a grinding halt: "Let's just be friends."
Heather, a 16-year-old from Soldotna, AK, heard that dreaded phrase one day when she was hanging out with her girlfriend of four months. "We had a discussion, and we both agreed that we'd have more fun if we were just friends," she explains. "As time went on, we still hung out like we used to. We just technically weren't together."
As in Heather's case, sometimes your ex can morph into your best buddy. But more often than not, the friendliest of intentions can turn totally sour when a relationship ends. How can you stay friends with your ex — or even decide if you want to?
Coffee, Tea, or Friends With Me?
Maybe you already have enough friends, maybe IM-ing with your old flame is just too painful, or maybe you're still angry about the breakup — no excuses necessary if you choose not to become pals with your ex. And sticking around for a friendship isn't a great idea if you or your ex is still attached — it just prolongs the inevitable.
But if your ex was a friend before you started dating, or if she or he could make a terrific "friend without benefits," it might pay to give friendship a shot. According to Lynn Harris, cofounder of Breakupgirl, most ex-couples who stay friends stick to one of three friendship types: solid friends, coffee friends, or friendly friends.
Solid friendships happen when you really dig your girlfriend or boyfriend, but the romance fades out. "Even if the like-like is gone, the like is still there," says Harris. The next level is coffee friends. "They aren't in your inner circle or even on the shortlist of people you typically hang out with," she notes. They may not be the first person you call to go see Lord of the Rings, but every so often you have civil talk on the phone or send them an e-mail with a "hope you're doing well" message. Finally, a friendly friend situation happens when you can be civil to your ex in public, but you're not interested in hanging out ... ever.
Friendship Facts
Need some tips on transitioning your relationship into a friendship? Try this list of Dos and Don'ts:
- Do take some time off from seeing each other after the breakup. "Just because you don't hate someone doesn't mean you're ready to chat for hours on the phone, hang out at the mall, or go to the movies," says Harris.
- Don't give or take "let's just be friends" as an actual invitation. Decide for yourself if being friends is the best thing for both of you when your relationship ends.
- Do avoid talking with your ex about your old relationship when you're trying to be friends. "Then you're not friends — you're still breaking up," says Harris.
- Don't talk about who you're dating now — at least not until you're at the point where you're completely comfortable as friends. Some people do this with the intention of making their exes jealous, which just isn't cool.
- Do turn down a friendship if you're not ready, and don't force a friendship if your ex isn't interested. It's the surest way of making those friendly feelings disappear.
Remember, even if you don't become friends right away, it doesn't mean you won't be friends later. With time, your ex could be the best friend you weren't expecting. Good luck! |
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