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Cycles of Violence
by Ashley Rondini, 01.29.04
It's true that all relationships have their ups and downs. It's normal and healthy for couples to disagree, be upset, or get angry at each other sometimes. So how do you know when your relationship has become unsafe?
If you begin to lose your sense of identity or self-worth to the point that you don't feel that you can safely express opinions or feelings to your partner, or you start "going along with" things because you're afraid that your partner will react violently, you may be caught in a cycle of violence.
In 1980, Lenore Walker wrote a book called The Battered Woman, which described the violent pattern that abusive relationships often take. Although Walker's cycle of violence was originally conceived as a way to understand the experiences of women who were abused by men, the stages of the cycle can describe abuse by women or men to women or men.
The Honeymoon Phase
Violently abusive relationships don't usually start out unpleasantly. In fact, just the opposite is frequently true! The beginning of a relationship that ends in cycles of intimate partner violence is usually romantic and exciting. During the "honeymoon phase," partners may do special things for each other and want to spend as much time together as possible.
The Tension-Building Phase
During this phase, your partner may start to show signs of jealousy or possessiveness, saying or doing things that isolate you from your support network. Slowly, a pattern of unequal power develops in the relationship. The abuser may
- disrespect your friends or family, and force you to "choose" between the relationship and the other important people in your life
- check up on you constantly — make you "report" where you have been, read your e-mail without permission, check the numbers on your pager or cell phone, etc.
- constantly accuse you of cheating (or of wanting to cheat)
- tell you how (or how not) to dress, who (or who not) to hang out with, and who (or who not) to talk to
Eventually, your partner may display outbursts of anger over little things, and then blame you by saying that you "provoked" it. You may begin to feel like you're walking on eggshells. You may find yourself thinking about the honeymoon phase often, remembering "how good it was" and hoping that the relationship will just get back to the "good times" soon.
The Explosion
All of the tension built up in the previous phase can eventually lead to an explosion. This may take the form of a particularly hurtful or humiliating verbal attack, a physical assault — slapping, hitting, throwing things at you — or a sexual assault. When this happens, because you've already been isolated from your support systems, you may try to cover up the abuse by downplaying it or even lying about it. If you start to feel guilty or ashamed about the incident of abuse, it may be because you've started to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior. You're not.
Immediately after the explosion, the abuser is likely to return to honeymoon-phase behavior — apologizing, buying you little gifts, promising it will never happen again. If you've been wishing for a return to the way things were, this may seem like a dream come true.
Unfortunately, that's not usually how the story goes. When there is intimate partner violence in a relationship, it is only a matter of time before the tension starts to creep in again, and the cycle starts all over again. The cycle is perpetuated by three main emotions: love, hope, and fear.
Your love for the abuser makes you want to believe the apologies and to believe that deep down the abuser really didn't mean to do it.
Your hope allows you to believe that the honeymoon was the "real" thing, and the negative parts of the cycle were just exceptions to the rule. You may hope that the abuser will change, and the relationship will remain happy after all.
Your fear may take many forms:
- fear of being abused again
- fear that the abuser will come after you if you attempt a breakup
- fear of being alone now that you are isolated from any support systems
- fear that you may not be able to find anyone else after the relationship is over
In some cases, abusers may try to manipulate victims by saying things like, "I can't live without you"; or, "I would kill myself if you left me." When this happens, you may fear that the abuser really will become dangerously self-destructive.
Getting Out of the Relationship
If you are being abused, you may feel caught up in a web of emotions that are difficult to untangle. Abuse can damage self-esteem, and until you genuinely believe you deserve better, it can be difficult to break out of the cycle. It's not always easy to leave a relationship — even one that's hurtful. But try to remember that you were a whole person before the relationship, and although it may be scary to think about going solo, you will still be a whole person once the relationship is over.
Violent and controlling behavior tends to get worse over time. If you're in a violently abusive relationship and you're finding it hard to end it — or you worry that you may be in danger if you end it — it's very important to find support. Surround yourself with people who remind you of how much respect you deserve. You can also call 1-800-799-SAFE to speak with a counselor at the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-230-PLAN to get support and referrals for counseling at a Planned Parenthood health center. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 to reach the police.
For more information, check out:
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