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Coming Out
by Susan Yudt, 10.10.03
Before you can come out to others, you have to come out to yourself. |
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Growing up gay in an environment hostile to sexual difference, Calvin Warren suffered in silence while homophobia festered around him. "In high school, on the bus, I would never say anything," he remembers. "I would try to hide in the corner and pretend like I didn't exist so no one would say anything to me."
But as he got older, Calvin began to find his voice. After coming out to his guidance counselor at age 16, Calvin hooked up with Planned Parenthood of the Mid-Hudson Valley of New York. "People there realized how isolated I felt as a gay teenager," he explains. "It motivated them to create a safe space within Planned Parenthood for gay and lesbian teens." This space became the Circles program, a support network and social outlet for LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) teens.
We spoke to Calvin, now 23, about his experiences growing up and got some valuable words of advice for other LGBT teens trying to find their voice.
teenwire.com: October 11 is National Coming Out Day. You talk a lot about finding a voice...
CW: Well, once I spoke about my experience, it changed the way people thought about me. Some people don't realize the pain that queer teens go through. They're really shocked when you say, "I'm afraid to go to the store because I'm afraid I'm going to get beat up. I'm afraid to go to church because they'll tell me I'm an abomination. I'm afraid to watch a movie with my parents because I'm afraid there will be a gay character and I'll feel uncomfortable." These are things that heterosexual people do without fear.
tw: When you came out to your friends, how did they react?
CW: I remember this one day in ninth grade; I was hanging out with friends after choir rehearsal. I said in this grave tone, "I have something to tell you." Then I took a deep breath and said, "I'm gay." And they were like, "Yeah, we know ... so where are we going to eat?" They already knew — they were waiting for me to talk about it! It wasn't the romantic process I had envisioned, where people break down and cry and hold each other!
tw: What was your experience coming out to your parents?
CW: My mother outed me! The year before I went to college, one day I was sitting down with my mother watching television, and she just asked me, "How is the gay thing going?" I felt like someone had punched me. "You are gay, aren't you?" she asked. I'm glad she did because I would have kept delaying it — I was afraid of what her response might be. But this way, I had no choice but to confront it.
tw: So what advice would you give to young people who are thinking about coming out?
CW: Everyone has a different coming out story. And coming out can be a very positive thing. But it's important to remember — don't feel compelled to come out if you don't feel safe. If you feel you're going to be out on the street, that your parents are going to beat you up, don't come out until you're ready.
tw: If a young person can't come out because she or he doesn't feel safe ... then what?
CW: Well, coming out is a twofold process. Before you can come out to others, you have to come out to yourself. Just being true to yourself is the first step. Just realizing, "I'm different, I love differently, I have different sexual desires." Love yourself and love your sexuality. Realize that you are not abnormal; you have an alternative way of loving that's just as valid as any other kind of loving.
tw: What would you say to a young person who's feeling hopeless?
CW: I always think of what my grandmother told me: "It gets better." It seems trite, but it's true. Heterosexism [discrimination against LGBT people] can seem so overwhelming that you think there's no hope. But it does get better, and you have to be able to think beyond the present.
tw: For you, when did it get better?
CW: Once I got to college, I began to interact with other openly gay people. I took classes about gay issues, I joined groups for gay people. I realized there were people out there like me.
tw: What about LGBT teens who are still in high school?
CW: Read! Read about your culture, your history. If you're a young black lesbian, read Audre Lorde. Read about people like yourself!
tw: Any final words of advice?
CW: Here are the most important things: Love yourself. Be true to yourself. Express yourself. Whether it's through slam poetry, debate, singing, painting — find a voice to speak to the world.
LGBT people are some of the strongest people on the planet. We don't realize how strong we are. Despite the daily torment we've endured, we're still alive. And to survive is a mark of incredible strength. |
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