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IN FOCUS: ARTICLE |
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Is Dating Dead?
by Brett Schaeffer, 09.16.03
You never actually say "Let's go out on a date." |
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Don't say goodbye to the time-honored tradition of dating yet, but someone should check its pulse. While teens are still committing to relationships, for many people, the process of getting to the couple stage is changing.
"Nothing's formal anymore, everything's casual," says BJ, 17. "Dates don't really exist anymore. No one says, 'I'll pick you up at seven.'"
BJ and his girlfriend met at a local coffee shop after she saw him playing keyboards on stage with his band. They were friends first — "best friends," says BJ — and then they started going out. That is, they became boyfriend and girlfriend. There was no particular process — no first date at the movies, no second-date dinner, no third date at a concert.
"I've never been asked on a date," says 18-year-old Jennifer, who's been with her boyfriend for nearly two years. "I don't know how it happens, but you know you like each other and you hang out, and then you actually go out. But I've never been asked on a date."
Alone Together
Friday or Saturday night usually means hanging out with friends in a group, provided that group has the guy or girl you like in it, explains Jennifer.
"Some couples who are going out hardly ever go anywhere alone together," says
Carol Weston, author of For Teens Only and Girltalk. "Rather than go out just the two of them, they meet at parties or clubs or coffee shops or sports events or someone's home or apartment."
The benefit of the group date is that it allows two people time to get to know each other without a lot of sexual pressure, says Weston. "Getting together at Starbucks® or in front of someone's TV makes it easier for a couple to keep conversations going and also to take a lot of time before deciding about intimacy issues," she says.
The drawback is that for the relationship to develop, a couple may need some alone time. That's the time to discover whether you should be together at all, says Weston.
"Talking"
Old-school dating rituals may be passé, but there's still a get-to-know-you period before a couple is, well, officially coupled.
"There's this stage called 'talking,'" says Jennifer. "You never actually say 'Let's go out on a date.' You kind of hang out, and everyone knows you two like each other, and you might make out, but you're not going out, so you don't have to like, hold hands, so there's no responsibility," she says.
"So if someone says 'Are you guys a thing?' You would say, 'Yeah. We're talking,'" explains Jennifer.
But talking is also about the kind of conversation, says Kirsten, 16.
"I'm curious about who they are, what they stand for," she says. "I'll talk about politics or how they feel about this or that topic, and get a feel for who they are. Because you think some people are pretty cool and then you really get to know them and it's like 'Wow. That's different than I anticipated,'" she says.
Long Live the Date!
And what if you're all talked out? Go back to basics: an old-fashioned date.
"Casual is okay, but take the pulse of your relationship and make sure it has a little romance to it," says Weston. "It's great that girls and guys both have equal rights and both have spending money, but a formal date can be great, too," she says. "If you're always, always, always, going out with friends, you may be missing out on the fun of going out just the two of you." |
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