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IN FOCUS: ARTICLE |
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The Morning After
by Terry Miller Shannon, 07.09.03
So, you had sex with your sweetie. But now your relationship is strained. You can't look each other in the eye. Or you're feeling strange around her. Or he's suddenly unavailable.
"After having sex, things got very hard to deal with between my ex-boyfriend and me," Shela, 18, says. "It was very hard to talk, and we weren't comfortable with each other anymore."
The bottom line? Sex can be complicated. Sometimes it doesn't bring you closer together. It might actually push you apart.
People's reactions can be a combination of emotions. The things we learned from our parents, from our religion, or from society might make each one of us feel differently about having sex. Some people feel guilty or ashamed about having sex — especially if they didn't use protection. Others feel like they caved in to pressure. Or they have a hunch that they're not close enough to their partner.
Some people start to have doubts about their partners after they have sex. Many people find their expectations were too high, fueled by the idealized, perfect "first times" put out there by the media. And some people just didn't like the experience they had.
But the deed is done. So how do you deal with your "morning-after" relationship regrets?
Take Comfort
- You're not alone. In a National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy poll, 63 percent of teens who've had intercourse wished they'd waited.
- Your honey isn't the only one out there. "Most teen relationships don't last forever," says Carol Weston, author of For Teens Only: Quotes, Notes, & Advice You Can Use. "Your life will go on. You'll meet other people."
- Experience (although sometimes very difficult) can be life's best teacher.
Take Action
- Talk to your partner. "Are you feeling weird? So am I," could start your chat. You might decide to suggest a sex "hold" until you get your feelings sorted out.
- Talk to a trusted friend. An understanding third party can help you untangle your feelings.
- You might decide, as Shela did, to call it quits: "I didn't know how to deal with it, so I broke up with him." Shela says having sex with her current boyfriend has brought them closer. "If sex with the person you are dating is weird," she suggests, "maybe the person isn't meant for you."
- The relationship is over? Weston says, "Calling friends, making plans, and staying busy after a breakup can keep you sane and distracted."
Make Plans
- Next time, take your time. Wait until you're positive you're ready for that step. Try to learn from your past mistakes so you don't repeat them.
- Don't let lust overcome logic. "Passion is exciting," says Weston, "but heartache lasts longer."
- Discuss sex with your partner before you do it. "If you both can't talk about it, then maybe you shouldn't have it," suggests Shela.
- Don't have sex for the wrong reasons — pressure from someone else, "everyone's doing it" vibes, or because you're hoping to salvage a relationship.
- Always be prepared to protect yourself and your partner against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.
"Right now, my experiences with my boyfriend are nothing but great," Shela says. "Each time we have sex, we feel closer to each other."
Now, that is a "morning after" worth waiting for. |
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