In the spring of his senior year, Toby was 18 years old, college bound, and couldn’t wait to graduate. He spent the last few weeks of school taking final exams and making plans for senior week with his friends. And then he found out his girlfriend was dying.
Kelly, 17, had complained of chronic headaches for months, and doctors later discovered a massive tumor on her brain stem that was slowly killing her. They gave her five weeks to live and said she’d be lucky if she lived to see the prom.
“I remember going numb, like I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” says Toby, who lost Kelly just a week before graduation. “We’re so young, you know? I didn’t think something like that could happen.”
For many teens, the loss of a grandparent or older relative is the first brush with death. But when a terminal illness or accident claims someone your own age, it’s not only devastating — it’s scary. After all, if someone your age can die, you think maybe you could be next.
A Time to Heal
Dealing with the death of someone close to you — especially a best friend or romantic partner — can be one of the most traumatic experiences of your life, and you’re bound to go through a range of emotions. While you may be able to work through those feelings on your own, it’s often helpful to talk to a friend, a family member, or a counselor. You might also seek out a support group for people who are grieving.
The important thing is to deal head-on with what you’re feeling, says Tian Dayton, author of Heartwounds: The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships. Ignoring your feelings might make you feel better for a little while, says Dayton, but it can prevent you from accepting what happened and working through it.
Grieving is a process, and it’s totally normal to go through feelings of shock, sadness, anger — even guilt. The healing process is different for everyone. It might take you six weeks to move on, or it might take you six years. Don’t beat yourself up because you’re not “over it” yet. It takes time to heal wounds.
You may feel lonely for a while, and a part of you will always miss the person you’ve lost. But don’t try to replace the lost person with another relationship, warns Dayton. “If you carry unresolved grief from a previous relationship, it will re-emerge in the new relationship somehow,” she says. Making new friends or dating again is an important step in healing, but don’t do it before you’re ready.
Back on Track
When someone close to you dies unexpectedly, life can feel pretty out of control. It’s natural to immerse yourself in healthy distractions — like focusing on school, bonding with friends, or taking a vacation with your family — to make life feel a little more normal. But sometimes teens (and adults, too) make the mistake of self-medicating with food, sex, alcohol, or drugs. This might push the pain away temporarily, but it will make you feel worse in the long run and, says Dayton, prevent you from processing your feelings in a healthy way. That only prolongs your pain.
So what else can you do to feel better? It might sound corny, but try writing a letter, making a collage, or planting a tree in memory of the person you’ve lost, suggests Dayton. Remembering and celebrating all the good things that person brought to your life might help give you some closure, and having a keepsake to honor that person may help you get through some tough times in the future when you’ll be missing them — like prom, graduation, or summer vacation.
It’s true that life won’t be the same without your friend around. It may seem like you’ll never feel better, but eventually you will. Take some comfort in the old saying, “Time heals all wounds,” and remember that your friend will always be with you in your heart.