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IN FOCUS: ARTICLE |
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Three's a Crowd
by Terry Miller Shannon, 06.20.03
"Boyfriends come and go, but best friends stay around for forever." |
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There's nothing wrong with your buddy's boyfriend or girlfriend — except that, as far as you're concerned, there's nothing right, either. You love your friend, and want to keep the friendship. But you don't want to go bonkers hanging with the squeeze.
Catherine Dee is the author of The Girls' Book of Love: Cool Quotes, Super Stories, Awesome Advice, and More. She says criticizing your friend's honey can backfire: "You may be wishing for her to break up with him, but ... she may dump you."
To avoid that scene, you might want to try
- looking within: Is it really that you can't hack your friend's honey? Or is it more that you're feeling left out or, you're wishing you had a love interest? Or, you're thinking it was awfully cozy when it was just the two of you? Or, you just plain hate change? Think about it. You might find out you hate the idea of the person more than you actually dislike the person.
- tolerance: You might be able to stand the three of you together for short periods, under certain conditions. Hate listening to the love interest drone on about the new Real World? Suggest the three of you go to a movie or concert together. Or tell yourself you can stand half an hour of reality-TV talk on rare occasions. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for friendship.
- keeping perspective: The girlfriend or boyfriend could soon be history. But bad feelings between friends can linger for eternity. Holding your tongue now may be the finest action you can take for the sake of your long-lasting friendship.
- staying scarce: Find fun things to do solo, or with other friends. You know those surfing lessons your pal wasn't interested in? How about that poetry group you've been curious about? You may discover some new talents and meet fascinating people.
- gentle, guided honesty: Sometimes silence or absence can be a problem. Is your friend wondering if you don't like him anymore? "I would probably tell my friend that I would rather just be around him," says Max, 14. "So if I don't hang around as much when they are together, he shouldn't take it personally." Be kind. Max suggests emphasizing that you'd like to spend "guy" time with him, rather than detailing why you don't like his girlfriend.
- spilling your guts: Your friend truly wants to know what you think? "The only time it's OK to give your opinion is if she asks for it with sincerity and seems to be reflecting on the relationship already," Catherine Dee says. "Let her know that as her friend, you want to support her in whatever she chooses to do. But tread lightly even then ... think of how you'd feel in her shoes."
The bottom line? Remember you want to keep the friendship. Respect for your friend's feelings should guide your actions. As Mia, 18, says: "Boyfriends come and go, but best friends stay around for forever." |
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