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Abstinence: Who, What, When, Why, and How!
by Ashley Rondini, 04.30.03
What does choosing abstinence mean?
My best friend says that she is abstinent, but I am not sure if she really is. She still fools around with her boyfriend, even though they don't have sex — I thought abstinence meant not doing anything sexual at all.
— Emily, age 15
Before we get into more details about abstinence, let's define our terms. People interpret "sex," "abstinence," and "outercourse" in different ways.
- We take it that you mean "vaginal intercourse" when you say your friend is having "sex," even though it could mean something else. Planned Parenthood defines "sex" as any kind of sex play — from masturbation to intercourse.
- Planned Parenthood defines "outercourse" as any kind of sex play with a partner that isn't intercourse.
- Planned Parenthood defines "abstinence" as not having any sex play at all. Not having any sex play at all is 100 percent effective in preventing sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy.
According to our definitions, Emily's friend is having outercourse, and may be at risk for sexually transmitted infection, whether or not she considers herself a virgin.
Who chooses to be sexually abstinent?
When I came out to my parents, they freaked out about me being too young to have sex. When I told them I was still planning to wait until I was older to have sex, no matter whom it was with, they seemed surprised.
— Douglass, age 16
Whether you're a teen or an older adult, and whether you're LGBT or straight ... abstinence is an equal opportunity choice! Everyone chooses to abstain from sex, at least sometimes! Some people may choose to be sexually abstinent in certain circumstances. A person who just broke up with someone might abstain from dating and sex play because being close to another person might not feel right, yet. Others may choose to be abstinent throughout certain periods of their lives, regardless of what circumstances arise.
When is it too late to decide to be abstinent?
I started having sex when I was pretty young. At the time, I was really just looking for ways to feel like more of an adult. Looking back, I have a lot of regrets because I got hurt a lot. I have been abstinent for the past year or so, now. I am actually feeling a lot more grown up than I felt then, when I was always stuck feeling like 'I should've known better.'
— Maria, age 18
There is no expiration on the option to abstain! Some teens and adults talk about about being "born-again" or "secondary" virgins, meaning that they are choosing not to have sex now, although they may have had sexual experiences in the past. The right to choose abstinence is not reserved exclusively for someone who has never had sexual intercourse. Abstinence is a choice that anyone can exercise anytime, even if they had chosen not to abstain before!
Why would anyone want to abstain from something that is supposed to feel good?
There are some really good reasons! For example:
- It's just the way I was brought up. For me, the guilt I would feel would take the fun out of it.
— Gavin, age 15
- I was there for my best friend when she found out she had chlamydia, and I know I don't want to go through that kind of drama, so I am in no hurry!
— Nicki, age 16
- I want to wait until I have been with somebody long enough to really know that the person really cares about me for who I am. Then I would feel comfortable with the decision.
— Sunita, age 15
- I am not trying to have kids yet! My dad was never around, and I don't need to be having sex until I know I can be a good dad if my girl does end up having a baby. I need to finish school before I can even think about that.
— Carlos, age 15
How do I know that abstinence is the right choice for me?
Abstinence is right for different people at different times for different reasons. Only you can ultimately decide what is right for you and your body. Trust the messages that your mind and body give you. If something doesn't feel right, you can always exercise your right to abstain from it — whether it's sex, alcohol, other drugs, or French fries.
Most people stop being sexually abstinent at some point in their lives. When you decide not to be abstinent, it's important to have information and access to methods of birth control and ways to protect yourself from infection. |
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