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Breaking Up 101
by Kari Croop, 04.22.03
"I think in the end, I hurt him more than I needed to. I wish I would've handled it differently." |
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Bree, 14, had been dating Steven, 15, for four months when she decided it just wasn't working.
It wasn't that they fought. And it wasn't that he disrespected her. The problem was, well ... she just felt he wasn't the guy for her. Plus, there was that hot new guy in her geometry class ...
Clearly, it was time for Bree and Steven to have "the talk." But between doubting herself, feeling guilty, and dreading the deed, it took her a whole month and a half to break the news. By that time, she'd made both of their lives a living hell.
"I put it off for way too long. I wussed out," she says. "He could read me like an open book and totally knew I wasn't into him anymore. I think in the end, I hurt him more than I needed to. I wish I would've handled it differently."
If your relationship's in trouble — or even if you're just ready to move on — it's easy to feel trapped with no way out. But whatever's behind your unhappiness, it's important to remember you can do something about it.
Nobody likes breaking a heart (unless you don't have one). But sometimes it's the only way out of a bad situation. It's normal for you to be nervous about doing it, and even sad — after all, you've shared a lot with this person. Here are some tips on how to make the best of it:
- Be honest. Are you really getting as much out of the relationship as you're putting in, or are you constantly getting the shaft? If you're unsure, try making a list of the reasons you're happy and reasons you aren't. If the bad outweighs the good, you know breaking up is the right choice.
- Be quick. Breaking up with someone can be a lot like taking off a Band-Aid®. The slower you do it, the more it hurts. So do yourselves a favor and be up-front, right from the start. Dragging it out only prolongs the misery.
- Be cool. Stick to your guns and try not to let the other person's reaction steer you off course. It may help to write out what you want to say before you go into battle. You certainly don't want to read it like a script, but sometimes the simple act of putting your thoughts on paper can help settle your nerves.
- Be kind. Avoid yelling, blaming, and name-calling — even if your soon-to-be ex deserves to be dumped, being nasty will only fan the flames of anger and resentment. Instead of blurting, "You're a player and I'm sick of it!" — try, "I don't want to compete with other people. I need someone who's going to be into me, and only me." Or, if you feel like you're bored and you want out, "I care about you a lot, but I think our relationship has run its course" is much smoother than "I'm tired of you and I want to get on your best friend!"
- Be confident. When it comes to relationships, remember: You run the show. Don't second-guess your decision based on what friends, family, or anyone else says once the deed is done. Be proud that you listened to your inner voice and followed your heart. Congrats — you're on the road to romantic independence.
So, you've done it — you broke up. How do you feel? Relieved? Sad? A little of both? That's totally normal. Break-ups can be really hard on both people. Just because you're ending the relationship doesn't mean you don't still have feelings for your ex — and it's hard to see your ex hurting. Or maybe it feels weird to be single again — like, suddenly, you have all this free time! It may take a while for things to get back to "normal," but it will happen. Breaking up isn't easy, but it isn't fatal, either. |
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