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IN FOCUS: ARTICLE |
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When Is It Time to Tell?
by Shari Goldhagen, 04.04.03
"Will you be able to live with yourself if you keep your mouth shut and something horrible happens?" |
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Beth knew her friend Sakina was in trouble. They were at sleep-away camp when Beth noticed that Sakina wasn't chowing down on hot dogs and s'mores with everyone else. In fact, she barely ate at all. When Sakina did nibble on saltines or celery, she always raced to the bathroom afterward to make herself throw up.
"It was awful," says Beth, 15. "I knew she was really hurting herself, but she didn't listen when I tried talking to her. Finally, I realized I had to tell the counselors and camp nurse."
Beth had spent many a sleepless night in her sleeping bag trying to decide whether or not to tell on her friend, and when she did, Sakina was super-angry for a long time. But eventually, Sakina realized Beth was right to tell the adults in charge, and that Beth's blabbing may have even saved her life.
"The counselors called her parents, and they got her into a program," Beth says. "Now Sakina knows I told on her because I cared. A year later we're better friends than ever."
Many of us know that the sting of having a friend spill your secrets to an adult can be more painful than the trouble you get into for whatever it was your buddy blabbed about. Betraying trust is usually a deal breaker in friendship, but sometimes, as in Beth's case, telling an adult is the only way to ensure a pal doesn't hurt herself or someone else.
"When teens find themselves in these situations, I always ask them to think about the consequences of not telling," says adolescent psychologist Renee Solomon. "Will you be able to live with yourself if you keep your mouth shut and something horrible happens to your friend?"
But before you go gabbing that your friend skipped study hall or smooched a boy in woodshop, Solomon suggests taking these steps into consideration.
- Assess the damage. Try to gauge the seriousness of the situation. Are your buddy's actions putting her or others in danger? Could she majorly mess up her life or someone else's? Biggies such as Sakina's eating disorder, drug or alcohol abuse, and evidence of abuse or violence are probably situations that need adult involvement. For other situations, use your best judgment and think about how you'd feel if your positions were flipped.
- Chat with your chum. Before you take things into your own hands, try to get your buddy to talk with an adult on his own. Explain that you're worried and think he could benefit from some adult advice. If he agrees, follow up to make sure he actually does talk to someone.
- Choose carefully. If your buddy refuses to get help, and you think the situation warrants intervention, it may be time to tell. But pick your confidant wisely. Use what you know about your friend's family when deciding who would be the most understanding about your pal's predicament. Think about other possibilities, too, like your parents, counselors, teachers, older siblings, or another trusted adult.
- Tell why you told. Let your friend know you squealed because you care, not because you wanted her or him to get into trouble. It may take time, but hopefully the friend will understand why you did what you did.
And if your friend is truly a friend, she'll understand in the long run. "Helping each other is the kind of thing that friendship is about," says Megan, 14. "If someone really is your friend and you tell on them to help them, then they'll forgive you." |
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