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Different Strokes for Different Folks
by Ashley Rondini, 12.10.02
Many people are nervous when they start to experiment with sex play — especially when they are trying things with a new partner! Of course, there are some important health issues to keep in mind — avoiding infection and preventing unplanned pregnancy, just to name a couple.
There are also the issues about technique — about knowing how to make it feel good. Many people wonder about the best techniques to use with sex partners. The truth is, there is no one, single formula for sexual pleasure, nor is there any exact recipe for earth-shaking orgasms. If you've decided to have sex, and before you start taking notes about the sure-fire techniques that your buddy has claimed to have successfully used on her or his main squeeze, here are a few things you need to know.
Everyone's Different
Erogenous zones are areas of the body that can lead to sexual arousal when stimulated. While the penis, vulva, buttocks, and breasts are the most familiar erogenous zones, that doesn't mean that they are the ONLY body parts that, when stimulated, can heighten sexual pleasure. It also doesn't mean that everyone enjoys the same kind of touching in those places.
Everyone's body is wired differently. The same moves that make one person feel warm and fuzzy may actually tickle, irritate, or even hurt someone else. For example, some women may enjoy having their clitoris touched, while others may find that their clitoris is too sensitive to be touched directly. Some people may love getting kissed on the neck, while others may find it too ticklish to be sexy.
Different bodies respond to stimulation at different paces. So, for example, even if your idea of passionate play means "full speed ahead," it's important to realize that, for others, feeling rushed may actually kill the mood altogether. As is the case for any kind of sex play, comfort levels and preferences about the tempo of things can change from day to day, even for the same person.
Let's Talk About Sex ...
There is no universal ingredient or magic spell that will definitely send one's sex partner into an orgasmic frenzy. Bummer ... or is it? It would be boring if everyone's sexual experiences were only supposed to happen in one, predetermined way.
There are an infinite number of ways to touch and be touched. The smoothest move you can make is to not assume anything about your partner's body or comfort level. Partners often communicate with each other in physical ways. However, sometimes it's hard to tell if your partner is enjoying something. In that case, you might want to make sure that you are both feeling the same vibe. Just unlocking your lips for long enough to ask "Do you like this?" can really go a long way toward making your experiences more positive for both people. Other ways to find out what floats (or sinks!) someone else's boat might be:
- "Just let me know if you want me to stop."
- "Is this cool with you?"
- "What do you feel like doing?"
- "Do you like this, or is there something you'd like better?"
- "It's okay for you to say if there is something you really like ... I'm open to suggestions!"
- "Don't feel bad about letting me know if something doesn't feel good. I want this to be fun for both of us!"
Tongue-tied
Even if your partner is a bit shy at first about getting down to the nitty-gritty, the fact that you cared enough to ask may eventually make it easier for her or him to open up to you.
For lots of reasons, many people may still feel hesitant to express, or ask, what works or doesn't work. Gender stereotypes can make this even more difficult. For example, girls might feel uneasy being open in talking about their own sexuality for fear that they will be labeled or judged as a "slut." For guys, asking a partner what she or he likes might seem awkward because of the stereotype that "real men don't need directions" to please a sexual partner.
The reality is that it takes a great deal of maturity and self-awareness for anyone — female or male — to speak openly and honestly with an intimate partner. Finding out what feels best for your partner might be just a matter of using your mouth ... to ask! |
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