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When Parents Divorce
by Terry Miller Shannon, 10.25.02
Believe it or not, you'll be a lot stronger for having survived these difficult times. |
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Nothing can tear you up like the news that Mom and Dad are heading for divorce court. There are around one million divorces in the U.S. each year. But knowing you're not alone won't protect you from painful emotions. How should you start sorting them out?
Guilt
"If only I'd..." No. Don't even think it. Your parents' split-up isn't because of you. They would be separating if you were in the picture or not. Parents are adults who make their own decisions. Don't waste your time feeling responsible for something that isn't your fault.
Wishful Thinking
Thinking/hoping/praying your folks will reunite for a Hollywood-style happy ending? Although it's not impossible, it's extremely unlikely. Wishing won't make it so, and will only delay your adjustment to your new life.
Other Hard Feelings
It's normal to experience a whirlwind of feelings such as anger, abandonment, sorrow, and loneliness. (You might even experience relief: "I won't have to listen to them scream at each other anymore! Hooray!")
All these emotions are totally normal, but if you don't share them, you might find yourself unable to concentrate on anything else. Find a trusted friend or adult you can talk to honestly (and feel comfortable crying around if you need to). It helps if that person has been through the divorce mill, too. If you think you may be seriously depressed, ask for help.
Never deny your feelings or try to keep from feeling them. Numbing yourself with drugs or alcohol won't help either. When you come down, you'll still have the situation to adjust to.
What Will Happen Now?
Yes, your life will change. You might have to move, change schools, go from one parent's home to the other, watch a previously nonworking mom start a job, and suffer money shortages, and eventually you may have to adjust to a stepfamily. These are big changes that can hurt. It's cold comfort now, but you will adapt to these changes eventually. Your life will improve. Believe it or not, you'll be a lot stronger for having survived these difficult times.
Parent Traps
Try not to get between your folks. You don't have to take sides. It's okay to tell them it's not fair for one to use you to spy on the other. It's fine to ask them not to dis each other in front of you. And remember, if your parents don't seem to realize you are in pain, it may be because they are lost in their own fog of misery.
Never forget you're still family, even with the changes. Ask if you can discuss your feelings with your folks. You can help them by listening to them talk about how they feel.
"It's important for kids to remember that their parents are divorcing each other, not divorcing them," says Carol Weston author of For Teens Only (HarperCollins/November 2002). "Of course, just as you are going through a tough transition period, so are your parents. Be patient with yourself and them and take good care of the rest of your life — your friends, your schoolwork, your after-school activities, etc." |
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