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"Speak Up!" A Look at Sex and Communication
by Jon Platner, 10.09.02
Sweaty palms, wandering eyes, stammering speech ... It's what happens to many of us when sex suddenly becomes the topic of discussion with parents, health care providers, and even sexual partners. No one likes feeling nervous and uncomfortable — most of us try to avoid talking about "it" at any cost, and a new study confirms that.
According to a new series of surveys by the Kaiser Family Foundation, one-in-four teen girls (25 percent) and one-in-two teen boys (50 percent) who have had sex say their parents are in the dark about it, and many of those who do talk to their parents about a sexual experience wait until after it's happened.
Of all the teens surveyed — both those who have had sex and those who haven't — half have never talked to a parent about how to know when you're ready for sex, and even fewer have talked to a parent about issues like birth control, condoms, and protecting yourself from sexually transmitted infections. And it's not just parents making us nervous! The survey also suggests that few teens talk about sexual health with their health care providers or partners.
Key Findings
Alicia Silverstone, step aside — when it comes to their kids having sex, many parents are just plain clueless. Among sexually active teens surveyed
- More than a third think their parents don't know they're having sex.
- Another third have discussed sex with their parents, but only after having sex.
- Twenty percent have had their parents find out they were having sex, but not from them.
- Only 11 percent have discussed sex with their parents before having sex.
- And four percent either don't know if their parents know they are having sex, or didn't answer the survey question.
Don't be shy. You've got something important to say to mom and dad! Among all teens surveyed
- More than half have never talked to a parent about how to discuss issues like pregnancy, birth control, and sexually transmitted infections with a partner.
- Just under half have never talked to a parent about sexually transmitted infections like HIV/AIDS, methods of birth control like condoms, or how to know when you're ready for sex.
Excuses, excuses, excuses ... What's yours? The top reasons, in order of popularity, that teens use for not talking with their parents about sexual health are
- They worry about their parents' reaction.
- They're worried their parents will think they're having sex.
- They're embarrassed.
- They don't know how to bring it up.
- They don't think parents understand.
Even health care providers are in the dark! It's time to ask, "What's up Doc?" (Who knew Bugs Bunny could be a source of wisdom?) Among all teens surveyed
- Most have never talked to a clinician about how to know when you're ready for sex.
- About three-quarters have never talked to a clinician about condoms or other methods of birth control.
- About two-thirds have never talked to a clinician about HIV/AIDS or other sexually transmitted infections.
And you've got to speak up with partners too! Among all teens surveyed
- Thirty-six percent have never talked to a partner about what they feel comfortable doing sexually.
- About half have never talked to a partner about condoms or other methods of birth control.
- More than half have never talked to a partner about HIV/AIDS or other sexually transmitted infections.
More excuses? The only one missing is, "My dog ate my condom!" The top reasons, in order of popularity, that teens give for not talking to a partner about sexual health issues are
- They're worried about what their partner might think.
- They don't know how to bring it up.
- They're embarrassed.
- They don't know enough.
So what do all these findings mean?
We already know how important it is for teens, whether or not they are sexually active, to stay informed about sexual health issues. But it's also important to communicate with our parents, health care providers, and partners about sex, and this study shows we're falling far short of that.
Some teens find it really intimidating or embarrassing to talk to their parents or other adults about sex. But many parents can give their kids better information, advice, and support than they could get anywhere else. Of course it's true that some parents don't even want to "go there" with their kids.
First, think about how your parents may react. If you think they might freak out, you may want to wait to have this discussion until you are all ready for it. In this case, you could turn to another trusted adult. Talking to another adult whom you trust can give you the opportunity to rehearse what you want to say to your parents.
Adults must do their part to want to stay informed and encourage a comfortable environment, and teens must do their part to take communication up a notch and be more open.
Break down those barriers in communication — it's time for all of us to speak up! |
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