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The Long-Distance Low-Down
by Terry Miller Shannon, 10.23.01
So, your honey lives far away from you. Maybe that's the way it always was because you met online or during a vacation. Or you once lived near each other, but one of you moved. Or when you're living with your dad, your love is nearby; when you're back at your mom's, your love's far away.
So what's the scoop on long-distance relationships (LDRs)?
The Good News
- You can concentrate on things other than romance: school, work, friendships, hobbies, whatever.
- There's probably less day-to-day conflict.
- If you and your honey enjoy writing, you can explore deep issues at great length.
- It beats just breaking up.
- Each meeting feels like an exciting honeymoon!
The Bad News
- Some folks believe you can't measure your relationship's maturity by how long you've known each other, but by how much time you've spent together.
- It's easy to put a rosy shine on your communications. Without revealing your true selves, a relationship can't grow.
- You or your squeeze hates to write? That's a problem.
- You've got to miss those "ooooh, baby, come here" times like crazy. Not to mention just gazing into those baby blues.
- Meeting can be really stressful because that short time together is IT.
Proving Them Wrong
Some people will flat-out tell you an LDR won't work. ("Gee, thanks for being soooo supportive, guys!") An LDR isn't easy, but many couples are proof that they can be successful. ("So there!")
For a thriving LDR you'll need:
- Clearly stated expectations. Discuss and agree upon what the relationship will be. How often will you communicate and how? Will you date other people?
- Commitment. You both must be equally and firmly "for" the relationship and willing to sacrifice for it.
- Communication and honesty. Both partners should want to communicate frequently and freely. You'll have to work harder at "talking" (e-mail, phone, letters, etc.) and listening. Discuss how you feel, whether it's good or bad. It's easy to misunderstand the written word. For sensitive issues, try to meet or at least talk on the phone.
- Independence. Forget sitting around eyeballing your inbox. You must keep on making/keeping friends, pursuing interests, and carrying on like the vital person you are. Expect him or her to do the same.
- Trust. You both need to have social lives without worrying about jealousy.
- Realism. Expect that neither of you will stay the same as when the romance began. People grow and change.
- Respect. Your relationship won't survive unless you truly value each other.
- Meeting. If possible, get together for quality time as often as you can.
You Found Each Other Online?
Here's Rule Number 1: Stay safe. Never meet face-to-face with an online acquaintance by yourself. If, after careful consideration, you decide to get together, make it in a place you know — and bring a friend, sibling, parent, or other trusted adult. |
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