 |
IN FOCUS: ARTICLE |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
No Means No ... But What Really Means Yes? Understanding Consent
by Ashley Rondini, 10.11.01
Recognizing what it really means to "give consent" can have a tremendous impact on the way you feel about your sexual experiences. Consent goes beyond whether or not someone said "no," or fought off a sexual advance. Consent means freely choosing to say "yes."
- Giving consent is active, not passive. It means acting as an equal in a shared decision-making process. This means that someone who is sleeping or unconscious cannot give consent, because a person has to be awake to actively make decisions. Someone who has had sex because they were intimidated, threatened, or forced into it has not given consent, because he or she has not chosen freely.
"I said no a bunch of times, but he kept trying to talk me into it. I was scared when he got angry. He was really strong, and I was afraid that he would get madder at me. I finally went along with it because I didn't know what else to do."
Doing something because you are afraid that someone will hurt you if you don't do it is not the same thing as consenting. Consenting means saying yes freely, not saying yes because you were too scared to say no! It is never okay for someone to assume that you are willing to do something just because you don't kick and scream to avoid it.
- Consent means choosing to do something because you want to, not because you feel like you have to.
"My boyfriend really wanted to have sex, but I knew I wasn't ready to go that far. He said that oral sex could be a compromise. I wanted to wait longer before we did that, too, but I felt like I owed him something because I was his girlfriend."
Dating someone never means that they can decide what should be okay for you sexually. Your body and your comfort level are not bargaining chips! It's not okay for someone to assume that you "owe them" any sexual act, for any reason. Also, it's not okay for someone to assume that you will have sex with him or her just because you previously had sex with him or her or with someone else.
You have the right to make different choices as you learn more about what you want and need in order to feel good about your sexual experiences. You can always choose not to do something again if you find that you didn't like how it made you feel. Hooking up with someone doesn't mean that they should expect some kind of "all-access pass" to your body; you have the power to decide what you want to do with your body every time.
- Consent is not about manipulation. Everyone should feel free to say yes or no without being disrespected for his or her choices!
"I started to hook up with this girl at a party, but when I told her I didn't want to have sex she didn't take me seriously. She said, 'Why? Don't you like girls?' After she said that I got freaked out. I just went along with what she was doing because I didn't want her saying that I was gay."
It's important to remember that unfair pressure to have sex can happen in any kind of sexual situation. Anyone, of any gender or sexual orientation, can be manipulative. Manipulative behaviors include using insults, guilt trips, embarrassment, and threats. However it happens, it's not okay.
- Consent is not binding. You have the right to change your mind at any time, for any reason.
"We bought the condoms together. I felt like I was ready, but when we started doing it, it really hurt and I told him to stop ... but he didn't. He thought I would start to like it if he kept going, since we had both been excited about doing it. He was wrong. I had wanted my first time to be perfect. I couldn't believe he just stopped listening to me. Instead of feeling like we were sharing something special, I felt like I had no control over what was happening to my body."
YOU are the only person who has the right to set — or change — the boundaries around what feels comfortable and good to you! If you consent to something but then change your mind, you have the right to stop it immediately. If both people are truly consenting to sex, it means that they continue to listen to each other every step of the way.
If you or someone you know has been raped, call the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN) at 1-800-656-HOPE or visit the RAINN Web site.
- The age of consent is legally defined. All states have laws governing the age of consent — the age at which a person is considered to be old enough to agree to have sex.
People above the age of consent who have sex with people below the age of consent can be charged with sexual assault, even if younger people say they are willing because, according to the law, they aren't mature enough to consent. In these cases, sexual relations are referred to as "statutory rape," which is a crime that can be punished with a jail sentence for the older person.
The age of consent is different in each state. Some states have double standards and set different ages for guys and girls. Call the office of the attorney general in your state to find out what the laws are there. |
|
|
|
Printable Version
Email this page