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IN FOCUS: ARTICLE |
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Choices
by Lisa Meyer, 01.19.01
"I didn't feel ready to be a mother or devote my life to a child. I was still trying to understand myself." |
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I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant. I went into a Planned Parenthood clinic for a routine checkup. I was wearing my red coat and my favorite jeans. My close friend Kimberly was sitting in the waiting room pouring her heart into an "I miss you letter" to her ex-boyfriend.
I followed the nurse into the examining room where she took blood from my finger to test for iron and then asked me for a urine sample so she could do a routine pregnancy test. "No problem. Go ahead. I've only had unprotected sex once or twice, so go ahead and take the test," I thought.
I noticed that the clinician glanced at the pregnancy test after a minute or two and didn't say anything. She just went back to her paperwork. I said, "What does it say?" And she said something like, "Just one minute, dear; I'll be right with you."
And in those few seconds of waiting, I knew what she was going to say. The room started spinning, and I felt weak. The sounds all around me became an echo. She knelt down beside me with the test in her hand and said, "If there are two blue lines, it means you are pregnant, and there are two blue lines."
I think I was knocked over with fear and shock. I didn't cry, and I couldn't even say anything. We went to the pharmacy and bought another pregnancy test, and there was no avoiding it. I was pregnant.
What in the world was I going to do? Who could I tell? My first thought was to have an abortion and forget the whole thing ever happened. But I didn't feel 100 percent sure about having an abortion. I had so many questions. Peter, my boyfriend at the time, would not want me to have an abortion.
I went to bed that night numb. I hadn't told anyone; only Kimberly knew. I stayed with Kimberly that night, and I woke up in the middle of the night. I was scared and crying and did not know what I was going to do. I didn't feel confident enough to be a mother. I was still trying to understand myself. I felt like Peter and I could break up at any time. I didn't have enough money to have a baby. Most of all, I was not ready to devote my life to a child. I had dreams of being an actress, and I was not ready to give up that dream.
I told Peter the next day, through sobs, that I was pregnant. He tried to console me by telling me we would be great parents and that I would be a great mother, and all this only scared me even more. I don't think he really understood what having a baby meant. I just nodded my head, and over the next few days, I told him that I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I knew that our new and unstable relationship would not be a good starting point for a child. I saw myself as a young struggling mother living in my mother's house in my childhood bedroom without a career or a partner. I knew that was what would happen.
I just prayed that I was doing the right thing. I waited three weeks before going to an abortion clinic. Those three weeks were the hardest weeks ever. On the day of the abortion, I went to the clinic with Peter. The procedure didn't last long. One second I had a pregnancy growing inside of me, and the next second I didn't. It felt so strange. Peter especially didn't get it. He thought we'd go home and hang out as though nothing had even happened. I realized that the whole pregnancy experience ended for him on the day I told him I was going to have an abortion. I, however, still had the actual experience to go through ... along with weeks of questioning.
How could I expect him to understand what I was feeling, when my feelings were so mixed up? I felt weary and sad. Most of all, though, I felt relieved.
I don't regret my decision. I would not be where I am today if I did not have the abortion. I have been working as an actress for two years, touring nationally and working in an off-Broadway show. Peter and I broke up, and I am now in a healthy relationship. I feel good about myself and confident about my future. Having an abortion saved my life. |
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