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IN FOCUS: ARTICLE |
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Losing a Parent
by Hilary S. Kayle, 05.26.00
Losing a parent at any age is a difficult experience, and for teens, it can be very intense. Dave, a 15-year-old from New Jersey, still marvels that his dad, who had a type of leukemia, lived as long as he did. "He died less than a year after my bar mitzvah and he was diagnosed when I was born. That's something that is special to me. When he was given a 15 percent chance of survival in 1984, he fought it. I see the whole illness and the recovery from grief as a blessing."
The experience was emotionally draining, but Dave feels fortunate that he had a chance to say goodbye to his father, who spent the last 10 days of his life in a hospital. "He called me into the room about 10 minutes before he actually died. It was a good ending because he told me that my presence gave him strength."
Still, it was difficult to be there at the end. "That was the hardest thing I had to go through in my life. In some ways, it was the best way to deal with a bad situation, because our rabbi was there, too. My father died with all the people that he loved with him."
But the rest of life goes on, and Dave had to return to his regular routine. "Going back to school was difficult. At first, there would be times during the school day that I'd break down. It would just happen out of the blue. I arranged with my guidance counselor for my teachers to go easy on me. I did a lot more poorly in class than usual. I felt a little guilty about some assignments when I just forgot them. I don't know if that was due to any sort of grief, but I think that I did the right thing."
Dealing with his mother after his father died was also a challenge for Dave, an only child. "Her grief was much deeper than mine to begin with, and it lasted a lot longer. "She wasn't afraid to express her grief with people, and that's something that I sometimes didn't like, that she would be that sad. Sometimes I felt like saying to her, 'snap out of it, like I do,' but I kept it inside of me out of respect for her. The biggest difficulty was trying to help my mom recover. It's only recently starting to ease up — the time of her grieving."
What helps him cope? "Going back to what I did best before it happened, keeping busy with activities like scouts and playing my violin. And playing basketball and football outside in the yard always helps."
For other kids dealing with the loss of a parent, Dave advises, "Keep your head up, and do what you do best. Continue to visit your friends, and do what you enjoy doing. Everyone has different ways of grieving. Don't put yourself on a schedule. Take it day by day."
Dr. Robin Karpf, medical director of a private school in New Jersey, has dealt with teenagers experiencing the death of a parent. Teens might be surprised that grief brings up other feelings. "They might feel fear and even anger that they don't understand, or feel frustration, and become disorganized. Those are normal grief feelings in the first six months; it's not just the sadness. It's not unusual to become forgetful and for sleep to be disturbed."
"Grief comes and goes," she says. "There will be periods when they'll feel normal, and some kids feel guilty about that, thinking, 'I should be more sad; I should not be having fun.' That's common."
Both Dr. Karpf and Dave advise teens to see a professional to help them deal with their grief. Your family doctor, school guidance counselor, or community religious leader may help you find someone. |
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