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Building a Relationship
by Danya, 12.01.98
What do you hope to get out of a relationship? To feel attractive, secure, happy, desirable?
Hmm. Bummer.
I know these things sound great, but it could be that you're looking for something in your relationship that you can't ever get. The popular notion that two people together make a whole, that you're just one half looking for your other half is a lie. The truth is that many of us struggle with fears that we're not smart enough, not strong enough, not beautiful or funny or cool enough. Without even realizing what we're doing, we go looking outside ourselves for someone to make us feel worthwhile.
Watch out — it's a trap.
Relationships that grow out of feelings of insecurity and worthlessness are often unstable. You may always feel jealous or afraid — like you're just a few steps away from losing him or her. When you put your self-worth in another person's hands, it's almost certain they're going to step on it, even if they don't mean to. And in the end, you may find yourself feeling worse than you did when the whole thing started.
It's much more satisfying to begin building a solid foundation, and let the right relationships grow naturally from there. To get you started, here are a few tips:
#1: Choose Balanced Relationships
Look for a boyfriend or girlfriend who feels like your partner, not your god(dess). Find someone you think of as an equal, someone you can talk to, laugh with, and even fight (fairly!) with. If you feel like an even match with your partner, then you're both more likely to relax and be yourselves — and get something really good out of being together.
Avoid imbalances and power struggles — they're warning signs that maybe one (or both) of you is in the relationship to bolster a fragile ego, rather than out of love and respect for the other.
You know those times when one person really, really likes the other, but the other person just isn't into it? Beware! That's a no-win situation. The person with the puppy-dog eyes will inevitably get their feelings hurt, and the other will probably feel like dirt for hurting them. Trust me — if you're the one who's fallen for someone — hard — play it cool and get to know them as a friend. If they're right for you, you'll eventually be able to look them in the eye without choking. That'll be the time to make your move — if you still want to.
#2: Set Aside Time to Be Alone
Once you get into a relationship, remember to take a little time just for yourself. It's easy to give your boyfriend or girlfriend every minute of your extra time and attention. (If you're not with her, you're thinking about her!) Add to that school, friends, parents, and whatever else you have going on, and it's easy to give up the most important part of your day — a few minutes doing just what it is that you want to do.
Whether that's listening to music, going for a bike ride, writing in a journal — do whatever you do that gives your head time away from the rest of the world. Protect those dreamy moments. They're the key to seeing things clearly and knowing who you are. Which leads us to number three ...
#3: Pay Attention to Who You Are
This may sound silly, but really, growing up is a process of becoming more self-sufficient — learning how to take care of yourself and nurturing the insight and strength to make good decisions that will get you where you want to go. As you grow up, you need to learn to take care of your self-image right along with your laundry and your checkbook.
Start to pay attention to yourself. What do you like? What do you believe in? What makes you happy? What do you want? Make lists. Get to know who you are. It sounds easy, but it's really one of the hardest things in the world to do. And as you practice knowing yourself, it becomes easier to know what isn't working for you — like a bad relationship.
If you do find yourself in a bad relationship, get rid of it. Frankly, it's often easiest to get to know yourself when you're alone. Other people can make it harder to hear your own voice. It can take a lot of courage to be alone — to know who you are as you, not in relation to somebody else. Sometimes, when you don't trust that who you are alone is enough, it can be the scariest thing in the world.
But rest assured, you are the key to your own happiness. It's amazing how much more attractive, secure, and desirable you feel when you know and respect yourself (that's what we're talking about, after all). And as you stand on your own feet, you'll find that you choose better boyfriends or girlfriends, who are more likely to become great partners. |
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