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My Parents Cheered When I Came Out
by Ryan, 12.01.98
A bubble? No, too transparent.
An egg? Too fragile.
A suit of armor? Yeah, that's it.
That's what my existence felt like until I came out. This wasn't a shining suit of armor I'm talking about, either — but a dented, scratched, binding shield. Sure, it protected me, but eventually it felt heavy and I was tired.
I was sick of constantly changing the subject, of my nervous wandering eyes, of wanting and needing to talk about being gay. I was sick of the trapped secrets that threatened to surface at every opportunity. So I gradually started to drop the armor — I told some friends. They were pleased. I'd never felt such closeness as I did when I came out to them.
Finding the Courage
Coming out to my friends was a relief, and I wanted my whole life to be that open. But I continued to keep my family in the dark — they were the most important people to me, but for more than a year I couldn't manage to tell them.
Occasion after occasion came up when I knew my family would be together — but would it be right? A birthday? No, what kind of a present would that be? A wedding? No, that would steal the spotlight. I rehearsed everything I'd say. I even came up with a baseball metaphor to make it easier for my dad. I prepared myself for every possible reaction. My mind was reeling with fear and shame and regret.
In time, the suit of armor started to feel more like a straight jacket, and eventually I just did it: Over the course of a weekend away with my family, I managed to come out to everyone, one at a time. It went splendidly. I had no idea it could be so easy. I didn't recite any of the speeches I had rehearsed. No introduction, no excuses.
Just the plain truth, "I'm gay."
The result was genuine interest, understanding, and curiosity. Some were sad that I had waited so long. It was nothing like I expected. I got hugs galore and (this still astonishes me) at one point they all literally applauded. It was the best weekend of my life.
It's truly amazing how two little words can lift such an enormous weight from your everyday being. I returned home in a state of bliss and shock. Someone recently asked me what my happiest moment was. I didn't even hesitate — telling my family that I am gay is the best thing I've ever done.
Welcome Home
I had always been high-strung, distant, and vague with everything I said and did. Not anymore. I was stripped of the armor and could finally wear my true colors. What a waste to have waited, not being able to eat or sleep or be comfortable with the people I love most.
There's still the daily struggle that goes along with being gay. But I feel more complete and well-rounded knowing that those I care for the most know the real me. I feel stronger and more confident having an honest, supportive, healthy relationship with my family.
I know that all coming-out stories aren't like this. Some families and communities are harsh and judgmental. Homophobia is real, and you need to be careful. Before coming out to your parents, it's very important that you are sure one or both of them will be understanding, if not supportive, of your sexuality. Lots of people have to develop families of choice because their biological families are too confused, mean-spirited, or frightened to deal with them.
My advice is to know yourself first. Also know that there is a huge "extended" family out there. We share the struggle with you. When you feel comfortable, strong, and safe enough to shed the armor of being closeted, come out! It's truly a wonderful thing.
More information about dealing with coming out can be found at www.outproud.org, where you can also find links to other Web sites that have information for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender teens.
Updated April 2002. |
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